CANDY IS... DANDY?

As previously stated: I LOVE CANDY. However, there are a few provisos to this blatant statement because, as I've grown to learn, I don't love ALL candy. Like, for instance, those candy hearts that have been around since the dawn of time and always make their chalky appearance on Valentines Day... can't stand 'em. Oh, and a sister to said aortic wretchedness, the NECCO wafer (same company, by the way... same hatred, by the way) is pretty much re-packaged school board chalk made to look prettier. WRONG! VILE! Anyway, you get the idea of where I'm going here. I am going to list my top ten favorite, coupled with my top ten least favorite candies that I have on one time or another gotten in my sack for Halloween. Oh, and a little rule here, as well: Not included will be: Chunky Bars (sorry, you've got raisins, you can rot in Hell), Hershey's Kisses (so not a candy bar and so much a dollop of chocolate, not on the list), Pixie Stix (colored sugar equals a rainbow of hyperactivity, not a candy), Wax Anything (oh sure, I love me some wax lips and teeth to commemorate the spookiness, but not candy here, just nasty, juice-filled melted candles), and any candy that is just Peanut Butter. I mean what the hell is that nonsense? Ok, on we go... 10-GOOD) I have always been partial to the Charleston Chew. This bastard takes three hours to gnaw through and you've still got half left. I like any and all its flavors and incarnations up to and including the little bites you can get for Halloween. Good stuff and it will put a severe hurtin' on the old jaw, too. 10-BAD) Stop filling my bag with Sweet Tart Smarties. No, not those giant fellas that are all tangy and sour, but those cellophane sleeves featuring medication-sized disks that taste just like how I picture dog heart-worm pills. No good, move on to something better, cheap ass. 9-GOOD) Bit O' Honey is a candy created by angels. Not only is it something to savor and suck (that sounds filthy) but it is mild and almost good-for-you tasting, like some kind of messed-up granola bar. Also, if you have not been privvy, check out Squirrel Nut Zippers: same but different. 9-BAD) Those silly monster-themed, rock-solid, snow-bleached, dog turds that appear only on All Hallow's. Look, I appreciate the whole packaging, shit, those boxes rule, but the crap inside is best left for carbon dating. Trust me. 8-GOOD) Almond Joy. I don't regularly partake of the shipwrecked fellow's choice of coconut often enough, but these bars are sure a great way to satiate that desire. Plus, two full almonds on each mini-bar? Count me in! That's a full serving of nuts for me! 8-BAD) Single-serving Twizzlers. Seriously, have you seen this? One licorice piece wrapped ever-so-carefully in one jacket of plastic. Fuck off! Why not give me one Skittle, too, while your at it! Dick! 7-GOOD) Tootsie Pops are convenience wrapped lovingly in delectable sweetness. Anytime you can take a fruity candy sucker and fill the cavity with a Tootsie Roll, you've got gold, pal! And they last a good bit of time, too! Sneak one into class today! 7-BAD) Dum-Dums. See above and then punch yourself in the groin for going the complete opposite direction. Sure, Dum-Dums have the market cornered on flavor, something like twenty different ones I think, but they're not filled with shit. Or, conversely, they are. 6-GOOD) Reeces' Cups are another of those: filled-with-awesomeness candies that are just too good to be true. Even the little individual ones for the holiday are pure joy. I will always take my chocolate stuffed to the gills with peanut butter. Yes sir. 6-BAD) The tiny Tootsie Rolls that are no bigger than a piece of gum. What the fuck is this, anyway? A parade? Do we need to march by your house so you can wing them at us through your open window? Spring for the full-size bars you sorry ass! 5-GOOD) M&M's... you can never go wrong with M&M's. I can chuck down six or seven of those mini bags from my begging bag before I get to the next house, but those tidbits are pure energy in a compressed little pill. Peanut ones rule, though. Candy that's kinda good for you? Woah! 5-BAD) Unfortunately, the Halloween-sized packs of Starburst do not follow the same guidelines as the M&M's. They toss maybe three candies in those packs. Who in their right mind is heading up this company allowing workers to screw kids? When I find out... 4-GOOD) Slow Poke Pops are another of those long-lasting treats that you can suck on for a week and never dissolve it noticeably at all. And, if that weren't enough, these little guys are pure fudgy goodness chocolaty enough to whip you into a coma. 4-BAD) Rocket Pops. Yeah, you've seen these before: 25 cents at the local gas station perched up there all hoity-toity on the check out taunting you with their supposed rainbow greatness. Just sugary crap there, fella. Move on. 3-GOOD) I happen to love Whoppers, and if you don't it is my opinion that you suck. Malted milk balls are so darn funky and yummy that they ought to have their own dance. You make it up, I'm no good at that. 3-BAD) Gummy-Anything... except cool body parts. I can't stand gummy crap, all that chewy filth swirling through my mouth feels like I'm chewing on a finger... unless I am... you know, in gummy. Then that's cool. 2-GOOD) Lik 'Em Aid. Yes, I know this falls under the: Powdered Candied Sugar heading, but this stuff is just too classic and sweet to be treated differently. Plus, you can eat the stick! Well, at least you could back in my day, I guess I'm not too sure now. 2-BAD) Raisinettes are chocolate-covered raisins. Hey, let's make dried fruit stealthily bathed in chocolate! BAD IDEA! 1-GOOD) I like when people decide to duck the trend and hand out full-sized bars of goodness regardless of their candied nature. Please, take up the cause and strive for greatness! I guarantee no one will T.P. you if you travel this path. Well, maybe. 1-BAD) Mini-sized stuff. Yes, these are everywhere now and it's significantly cheaper to go this route, but how often do little kids come begging at your door dressed like Vampires and Sponge Bob's? I hope only one day a year or else your in trouble. Anyway, steer clear of these tiny travesties and do what's right for your door-to-door urchins. Or, because I said so, either way. There you go. Now, make this Halloween the best one ever! Oh, and don't turn your porch lights off and still be home, that's just begging for a flaming bag of dog poop, and no one likes that. No, it wasn't me last year, I swear. Stew