THE TOP 11 UN-CEREAL BREAKFAST FOODS

I'm a sucker for a good breakfast. I don't even care if it's cereal, jam and toast, or a grapefruit smothered in bacon, it just doesn't matter. Now, I suppose if I had to pick, I'd have to say I'd probably pick good old fashioned cereal over anything else, and those of you familiar with this blog can plainly see that judging by all of the cereal-related lists I've done. Anyway, I was sitting here racking my brain when it suddenly hit me like a John Candy-sized Johnny Cake: why not do a list of the top ten non-cereal breakfast foods? Cool! Then I found an eleventh. So, here it is, the TOP 11 UN-CEREAL BREAKFAST FOODS. Pull up a chair and dig in.

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11) DONUTS

What screams 'Office Breakfast' like a big ol' dozen of donuts? Nothing, that's what. Around here you pretty much have two decent choices for your pastry convenience and they are: Sweetwater's Donut Mill and, of course, Krispy Kream. If you're going for the more illustrious, gigantic, bigger-than-your-damn head donut, you can't go wrong with Sweetwater's, but if you're just going for typical yet unbelievably satisfying, it's gotta be the Kream. Anyway, for the most part, no matter how you top it, glaze it, or fill it, a donut's a donut. That being said, I'll take a Bear claw... INSTANTLY!

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10) COLD PIZZA

Now THERE'S how you make Pizza Hut more palatable!

I went to college, I was a swinging bachelor, I know what it's like to subsist off of Ramen Noodles, beer, cigarettes, Mac and Cheese, and Peanut Butter. But when you were able to order the occasional pizza, you milked that shit like free money. I would get the biggest and most pizza I could for my buck and eat the leftovers for every meal thereafter until I either ate it all, box-cheese and all, or had to throw it out for fear of fungal take-over. Nothing goes better with a morning smoke and a tasty Bloody Mary like a slice of cold pizza. Oh yeah.

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8) TOAST

Got bread? Possibly a heat source up to and including a radiator, a candle, or crack-pipe lighter? You, sir, can have some toast. Toppings are limitless, as you can see by the most delicious picture above (trust me: not so much after 5 hot dogs... ugh) and, if you were really smart and/or destitute, you can always rely on Peanut Butter which is damn fine on any toasted bread. Or, let's say you have a Bagel, toast that sum bitch up and slather on some cream cheese! Noe that's fine eatin'! Toast: it's what's for breakfast.

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7) EGGS (SCRAMBLED, POACHED, FRIED, OMELETS... IT'S ALL EGGS)

Something as simple as a fritata to the epitome of egg-dom, the souffle, eggs are always, to coin a phrase, incredibly eatable. However, I think I might be ovo-intolerant since I can really only eat a few eggs every so often. It's a lot like eating too much processed meat: I get bloated, logey, and kinda blah. So, either way, I only eat eggs once a week. Now, for some reason, I can go nuts with salted hard-boiled eggs. I don't get it either, but they just don't bother me the same way as nearly every other cooking method... where was I? Oh right, eggs are groovy.

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7) GRITS

I may not be Southern, but I love me some grits. If I'm going out to breakfast, I'm looking to see if they have grits, and if they don't, I pitching a bitch. Grits are fantastic smothered and slathered in butter and salt and all that arterial-ruining goodness. Or, conversely, take a good spoonful or so of sausage gravy and ladle it on and, oh Lord, I'm getting hungry. Or I have gas.

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6) COCO WHEATS

Now I have no Earthly idea who this kid is, but there's little denying that he is thoroughly disgusted with his apparent first taste of Coco Wheats. Yeah, they take a little getting used to and are, for some, an acquired taste. I happen to like them quite a bit and compare them quite literally to chocolate Cream of Wheat with a bit more grout-like consistency and they could, in an emergency, Spackle a tub when coddled after a bit. Not for nothing, though, they are pretty tasty and are, evidently, kind of good for you.

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5. THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH

Can you find the three hidden sandwiches in this picture?

Began by the fast food franchises to allow the general consumer to inhale his or her breakfast while driving to work via the knees while at the same time balancing a coffee, a phone, and a laptop. More or less combing one or more of the following: biscuits, English muffins, griddle cakes, sourdough, eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese, and ham, conveniently encapsulated in a wax-coated wrapper generally the temperature of fresh lava. Even so, nothing says heart burn and bloating like slurping down a few of these guys while attempting to make a deadline. Now that's healthy.

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4) HOTCAKES (OR: PANCAKES, GRIDDLE CAKES, JOHNNY CAKES, FLAPJACKS...)

"Thanks, mom! At this rate I'll have a stroke before I'm twelve!"

Ah, pancakes! Few breakfast goodies are easier or equally as difficult not to fuck up. Oh sure, the directions are right there on the damn box and, for the most part, an ape on heroine could whip up a batch, bur somewhere along the line, somehow, someone always turns them into burnt, over-cooked-yet-raw-in-the-middle messes... and that man is me. Well, regardless, if you can't do 'em right, you can always head on down to IHOP or any other worth-its-salt breakfast joint and get 'em like there supposed to be made: stacked in multiples of fifteen and smothered with an entire tree's worth of syrup. Oh yeah.

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3. WAFFLES

The bastard cousin of the flapjack is the waffle. Made with a mix that is slightly similar, yet different, a cooked in such a way that you need a special uni-tasker just to do them right. Yes, I'm an Alton Brown fan. Cram it. Anyway, few things smell as delicious or taste as magnificent right off the heating element as waffles. How do I like mine, you ask? Well, the size of a man hole cover and topped nicely with fried chicken and syrup. Oh yeah, I so should have been a Southerner.

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2) OATMEAL

Bow your heads to the disembodied melon of your doom, WILFRED BRIMLEY! AHHHH!

What can I say: I love oatmeal. Oh no, not plain, that shit is wrong. No, I mean with flaxseed, brown sugar, vanilla, and butter. Trust me, you try this method and you'll never look at lowly oatmeal the same way again. And it's good for your ass! Also, go out and get you some of those oatmeal squares that Quaker puts out that are like an entire serving in a convenient bar. The banana bread is just ridiculous.

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1) POP-TARTS

Perhaps the quintessential breakfast speed-food is, of course, the Pop-Tart. You can buy this toaster pastry in nearly every conceivable flavor from blueberry to mint chocolate chip, each with a more bizarre and potentially flammable frosting. Seriously, never before has there been a more dangerous and ignitable breakfast food on the market. Always have a fire extinguisher at hand when you plop down a couple of these liabilities and then, sit back and enjoy. Also very good frozen. I likes 'em like that!