Um, in case you hadn't noticed, or, for instance, haven't kept up on my little Twitter Window O' Info, I have been FUCKING SICK! Man, I just got waylaid on Tuesday like a big bag full of illness fell out of the sky and doused me in all it nasty, shitty, nastiness. I literally felt like dropping on the deck in the fetal position and cashing in my chips from this Mortal Coil. Being a bit dramatic, you say? Well screw you and I guess you've never had a flu bug so wretched coupled with a cough so dastardly that it feels like a second one of me (see: big fat guy) sat on your chest over night and turned your lungs into mashed yams! Fortunately, I only managed to miss a few hours of work over all since my job basically has me sitting in a chair doing design work, so I had that going for me. But, once back at home I had all the energy of a cinder block and felt just as useful. Well, today, finally, I feel a little more like a human and a little less like a big-ass back of fucked-up sick, so I figured I do a little, non-traditional update and finish my recuperation till Monday. Oh yeah, and I got a copy of God of War: Chains of Olympus for my PSP and that has done a fine job of getting me to shirk my writing responsibilities as well. Yeah, I suck just a little. Ok, on with the show.
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Nothing quite sinks a fella's ship faster than the rapidly ebbing and flowing onset of a chilling and roasting fever. One second you're baking like Christmas Goose, and the next you're freezing like, well... also Christmas Goose. I'm so out of metaphors.
10) THE FEVER
Nothing quite sinks a fella's ship faster than the rapidly ebbing and flowing onset of a chilling and roasting fever. One second you're baking like Christmas Goose, and the next you're freezing like, well... also Christmas Goose. I'm so out of metaphors.
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For the love of all things good and Holy, why must I wake up after my worthless night of pointless rest to somewhere between six and seven professional excavators carving a tunnel into my brain? Fuck all of you!
9) THE HEADACHE
For the love of all things good and Holy, why must I wake up after my worthless night of pointless rest to somewhere between six and seven professional excavators carving a tunnel into my brain? Fuck all of you!
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Q: Can I breath via my nasal passages?
8) THE CONGESTION
Q: Can I breath via my nasal passages?
A: Can I do what with my what now?
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You know how when you do something that requires you over-use a certain part of your body and that specific part hurts like a son of a bitch for a good few days? Yeah, now multiply that times sixty billion and then proceed to weep openly. Now ya got it!
That picture up there is fucking brilliant. That is exactly how it looks when a Mexican child sharts out his lunch. When I do it, it's much less not-toilet-having-y, but it's close. Feel his pain, because when it happens to you, and if you are anything like me, it's much akin to shotgunning ass-pellets and equally as hot.
7) THE ACHES
You know how when you do something that requires you over-use a certain part of your body and that specific part hurts like a son of a bitch for a good few days? Yeah, now multiply that times sixty billion and then proceed to weep openly. Now ya got it!
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6) THE SHITS
That picture up there is fucking brilliant. That is exactly how it looks when a Mexican child sharts out his lunch. When I do it, it's much less not-toilet-having-y, but it's close. Feel his pain, because when it happens to you, and if you are anything like me, it's much akin to shotgunning ass-pellets and equally as hot.
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I can barel... ZZZzzzzzzzzz....
5) NO ENERGY
I can barel... ZZZzzzzzzzzz....
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Seriously, I'm positive I lost about 10 pounds this past week from just simply not wanting to eat and shitting a bunch of nothing out, too. It's a great diet and I highly recommend it.
4) NO APPETITE
Seriously, I'm positive I lost about 10 pounds this past week from just simply not wanting to eat and shitting a bunch of nothing out, too. It's a great diet and I highly recommend it.
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Oh I was tired. That wasn't even the issue. Nope, it was the sheer fact that... well, see the next number on this list.
3) LACK OF SLEEP
Oh I was tired. That wasn't even the issue. Nope, it was the sheer fact that... well, see the next number on this list.
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Yep, now that you're here, enjoy the picture, and move right along to...
RIGHT FUCKING HERE. This cough that I presently still suffer from is, by far, the most obnoxiously painful and exasperatingly cloying muscle spasm I have ever succumbed to. It feels, and this is so not an over statement, like a large mammal (possibly Rosie O'Donnell) has been beating on my chest from the inside with a cricket mallet. I desperately try, every time the itch rises, to hold back the torrent of agony, right before I shutter with heaving and throes of erupting sputum. I'm relatively certain I've broken several ribs.
2) SOREST THROAT EVER
Yep, now that you're here, enjoy the picture, and move right along to...
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1) MOST PAINFUL COUGH EVER ON THIS OR ANY OTHER PLANET
RIGHT FUCKING HERE. This cough that I presently still suffer from is, by far, the most obnoxiously painful and exasperatingly cloying muscle spasm I have ever succumbed to. It feels, and this is so not an over statement, like a large mammal (possibly Rosie O'Donnell) has been beating on my chest from the inside with a cricket mallet. I desperately try, every time the itch rises, to hold back the torrent of agony, right before I shutter with heaving and throes of erupting sputum. I'm relatively certain I've broken several ribs.
And that, as it stands, is how I've felt all week. And no, I won't stop whining about it.
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