YUP, YOU READ IT RIGHT: WE'RE MOVING! WELL, I'M MOVING SINCE THERE IS NO 'WE', TECHNICALLY. ANYWAY, FROM NOW ON OUR NEW LOCATION FOR ALL THINGS LIST WILL BE (NEW LIST UP AS OF 8-1! CHECK IT OUT!) RIGHT HERE. I HOPE YOU'LL FOLLOW ME TO MY NEW LOCATION TO A MUCH, MUCH BETTER WORLD WHERE IT'LL BE EASIER ON THE EYES, AND LESS IRRITATING TO EVERY OTHER SENSE. SEE YA THERE!
Stew
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That's right, just click the pic and you'll be whisked away to a better world...
So, guess who's taking the lazy way out again today? Well, if you said, 'You', then you would be wrong. The answer is, 'Me', as in 'You'. See how that works? OK, so all joking aside, it's time for some really humorous observances! Or, if you prefer, 'Jokes'. This time, The Vacuum Bag proudly presents: BILLBOARD HUMOR! A list of billboards and outdoor sign displays that we've all seen numerous times yet just can't seem to get enough of! Oh it'll be so much fun! Relish in my poor attempt and freshness and enjoy some rehash! Yum!
As much as I get a great belly laugh out of this impossible choice in advertising locations -for EITHER of these companies- I find it sorrowfully disconcerting that it even got green-lit on the first place. I can see a few marketing geniuses getting the ax for this one.
If you can't read the selling point, it says: 'No Size Limits.' That is great considering the pair of tiny hands at the bottom hiding what is supposed to be a complete person behind it - possibly in serious pain.
McDonald's triple-thick shakes were made all the rage a few years ago when they decided to revamp their formula mix and, apparently, add even more of the non-dairy stuff they'd already had in there. I have to admit, coming directly from things completely opposite of milk and ice cream, McDonald's shakes are still pretty damn tasty.
6)IT'S COMING TO ME... WAIT, I'VE ALMOST GOT IT...
Darn cool ad featuring a sensor that trips whenever anyone walks directly underneath it. The bulb lights, you, sir, have a sudden flash of brilliance, and go on to invent future billboards as clever as this one. The circle of commercialism.
I used to imbibe on SoCo fairly heavily in my sad, miserable early-twenties more frequently than I care -or can- remember, and, as the ad states, it honestly helps get a chick out of her clothing. Often times much to her dismay. That's unfortunate.
I honestly had to read this twice. For some reason I was confused (maybe the SoCo making a come back) and i didn't quite get it. But, once the funny settled in, I chortled heartily.
Though I can't personally vouch for the validity of this sign, I do know that both of these places co-exist on the east cost where Giant is a large grocery store comparable to Meijer here in the Mid-States. So, with that, however possible this isn't, it also 'is' and 'is' damn funny!
It has been discussed and verified that I am a bone fide horror movie freak. I have seen my fair share and I have also seen my share of terrible sophomore efforts. In fact, I could honestly say that of the great horror movies I've seen... and there have been a lot, there are at least three crappy sequels. For some reason, every time a new horror movie hits the theaters or Direct DVD markets, a slew of sequels are already in the works. This practice has been going on for years, and to the detriment of the genre. All of that being said, a few of these movies have spawned even better sequels, almost more so than the originals. How is this possible? Well, take The Original Star Wars Trilogy: Empire is by far the better movie; it's darker, more story-oriented, and grittier. Also, take The Godfather: Part II has so much more to offer. Anyway, so you see it is more than possible. So, here are ten horror movies that have bettered, or somehow actually improved on the originals.
This sequel features a small town's annual celebration, which is interrupted by the arrival of blind sword-wielding zombies on horseback. The town's mayor, at first, refuses to believe that these ghouls are real (citing a long-standing local legend), but when virtually all of the inhabitants of his town are slaughtered, he bands together with a fireworks technician, his estranged lover, and several other townspeople in a futile attempt to survive the violent onslaught. Expanding on the original's beautiful landscapes , spanning camera shots, and surprisingly creepy and effective make up and costumes, Return is almost as good, if not equal to, Tombs of the Blind Dead.
The story opens as two rowdy high school seniors race along an abandoned stretch of Texas highway en route to a weekend of fun in Dallas. They are heavily intoxicated and use their car phone to call and harass on-air DJ Vanita "Stretch" Brock. Unable to convince the boys to hang up, Stretch is forced to keep the line open as what began as a simple game of chicken quickly turns into a nightmare. The two teens encounter a large pickup truck that runs parallel to them on a remote bridge. Leaterface, wielding a chainsaw, emerges from the back of the truck and attacks the boys. Stretch records their gruesome deaths on tape at the radio station. The following morning, at the scene of the crime, Lieutenant "Lefty" Enright (Dennis Hopper), former Texas Ranger and uncle of Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother Franklin, arrives to help solve the crime. Lefty has spent the last fourteen years investigating their disappearance while investigating reports of mysterious chainsaw killings across Texas. Though looked upon with disdain by his peers, he is able to get the local paper to carry a tiny article about his quest. Though not quite as gritty and 'grindhouse', it is a touch bloodier and Dennis Hopper is outstanding as the grieving, vengeance-bent uncle.
This film opens similar to its predecessor. We see a radio sending out random transmissions and a bunch of war equipment (guns, helmets, etc). Then we see a man sitting alone in a dark room holding a puzzle box in his hands. He solves it and immediately hooked chains shoot out and tear into his flesh. Then several cuts are made in his head both diagonal and vertical. At first it looks as if he's suffering but as the process gets more brutal he begins to enjoy it more. Eventually several large nails are inserted into each intersection and we now see the man transformed into the cenobite known as Pinhead. Now we cut to Kirsty Cotton, a young woman, has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, still haunted by the emotional scars and visions of the horror that destroyed her family. As Doctor Channard, and his assistant, Kyle MacRae interview her, she tells her account of what happened to her family. She pleads with them to destroy the bloody mattress her murderous stepmother, Julia died on. MacRae is the only one who seems to believe her. However, it is revealed that the obsessive Dr. Channard has been searching for the Lament Configuration, the doorway to the world of the Cenobites, for years. After hearing Kirsty's story, Channard has the mattress brought to his home, and has one of his deranged patients lie on it, and cut himself with a straight razor. The resulting blood-letting frees Julia from the Cenobite dimension, though Julia's physical form is inexplicably whole, lacking only skin.
The plot follows seven people as they attempt to escape their zombie-filled city. A large number of corpses are reanimated by a barrel of Trioxin gas that had fallen off of a truck transporting it to another location. The barrel was opened by one local teenager who had found the barrel getting infected in the process. In this film it's revealed that the only thing which truly stops the zombies, without the risk of reanimating more corpses, is powerful electric discharges. The electric discharge can stop the reanimative effect created by Trioxin without generating Trioxin fumes the way cremation can. The film was released on January 15, 1988, and made $9M at the box office in the USA. In what was considered by many to be a strange, and sick to some, marketing strategy, the film was partially targeted towards children, with the main plotline (reminiscent of The Goonies) revolving around a young boy and his friends' attempts to destroy the zombies.
Following the scenario set up from Night, the film depicts the USA struck by a 'plague' which reanimates deceased human beings, who now have no other desire than to feast on the flesh of the living. The cause of this plague remains unexplained. Despite desperate efforts by the US Government and local civil authorities to control the situation, society has effectively collapsed and the remaining survivors seek refuge. Although several scenes show rural citizens and military fighting the zombies effectively, cities, with their high populations and close quarters, are essentially deathtraps. Increasingly infrequent television and radio broadcasts imply that chaos is spreading throughout the country. The film opens in the TV studio of WGON in Philly, where confusion reigns. Following some expose— in which Stephen, the station's traffic copter pilot, and his girlfriend Francine plan to steal the helicopter in order to escape the zombie threat — the plot turns to another of the film's protagonists, Roger, as he and the rest of his SWAT team raid an apartment building, presumably because the mostly Hispanic and Black Caribbean residents are ignoring the martial law imposition of delivering the dead over to National Guardsmen. The immigrants are slaughtered by the SWAT operatives and by their own dead relatives, who emerge from their rooms after being reanimated by the zombie infection. During the raid, Roger meets Peter, part of another SWAT team, and the two go down to the apartment building's basement, where they meet a one legged priest who has just given the undead their last rites. They soon find the basement packed full of undead that the living residents had kept from being seized by the National Guard. After the two kill the zombies (with shots to the head), Peter suggests they desert their SWAT team and flee the nightmarish city. Late that night, along with Francine and Stephen, they escape Philadelphia in the TV station's helicopter, with the intention of reaching the safety of the Canadian wilderness. And just in case you're wondering, the remake is such a steaming pile of shit that I'm almost ashamed to have watched it for review. See Penguin Comics dot com.
5) NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE (1986)
It has been five years since the events of the first film. A new family, the Walshes, have moved into the former home of Nancy Thompson. The Walshes' son, Jesse, happens to move into Nancy's old room. He eventually begins to have nightmares of Freddy demanding that Jesse kill for him. Jesse finds Nancy's old diary in which she had been keeping track of her nightmares and her encounters with Freddy. He goes to his parents in a panic, but they argue and Jesse storms out. Jesse finds himself walking the streets late at night. One night, he walks into a bar where he runs into his gym coach, who takes him back to the gym to run laps. The coach has Jesse hit the showers, while he goes back to his office. While he is in his office, the shelves begin to come alive, hurling balls and other sports equipment at him. Two ropes grab him by the wrists and drag him into the shower. The shower fills with steam and we see Freddy's silhouette in the background, clawing the coach's back. As everything comes into focus, Jesse is the one with the glove on his hand. Jesse's friend Lisa begins to do some digging and uncovers information about Freddy, including the location of the factory where he brought his victims. Meanwhile, Freddy visits Jesse's younger sister, but when she wakes up, it's actually Jesse standing there, with the glove on his hand. Jesse enlists his other friend, Grady, to watch over him while he sleeps. Once Jesse falls asleep, Grady turns out the lights for himself. As soon as Grady is asleep, Jesse awakens and begins to scream in pain - Krueger is coming out and Jesse cannot stop him. With the door jammed, Grady is helpless against Krueger, who impales him on his own door with his glove. When Krueger looks in the mirror it turns out that it was Jesse, with Krueger staring back at him from the mirror. This, by the way, was the very first horror movie I was literally 'made' to sit through. It was from that point forward that I was, ahem, 'hooked'. I love this movie.
Once considered heroes by the city, the Ghostbusters are now considered pariahs and con men. Five years later, Ray now owns an occult book shop in Manhattan, and along with Winston puts on special Ghostbusters appearances at children's birthday parties. Peter has his own TV series, World of the Psychic, in which he ridicules people who believe they have telepathic powers. Egon, meanwhile, is a researcher at The Institute for Advanced Theoretical Research. Dana Barrett and Venkman did not remain intimately involved after Ghostbusters; she now has a baby named Oscar, who was sired by a musician. The father (presumably Timothy Carhart's character from the original Ghostbusters) having departed for England, Dana now restores old paintings at the Manhattan Museum of Art for a living. Dana's boss, Dr. Janosz Poha, is at work restoring a notable painting - a self-portrait of Vigo the Carpathian, a cruel 16th-Moldavian ruler whose life greatly resembles that of Vlad Tepes (while his death greatly resembles that of Grigori Rasputin). One day, while Dana pushes Oscar's carriage, pink slime emerges from a street crack and touches the stroller, causing the stroller to momentarily move on its own. It rolls into the middle of a busy street, but stops just as Oscar is about to be run over. Dana, frightened, consults Egon. Venkman worms his way into the investigation, despite Dana's initial protests, and Ray joins as well. Posing as workmen, the Ghostbusters drill into a main city street, discovering an old airshaft. Egon and Peter send Ray down into the hole where he discovers a huge river of slime flowing through the ruins of Beach's Pneumatic Subway. While Ray is taking a sample of the slime for them to study, Egon and Peter are confronted by a policeman and a Con Ed foreman. Suddenly, skeletal arms form out of the slime and attack Ray, who tells his friends to pull him out quickly. Panicking while being hoisted back to the surface, Ray inadvertently damages a power line, plunging all of New York into a blackout. The Ghostbusters are arrested for fraud and malicious mischief. Despite the typical downplaying of this movie as far inferior to the original, I have to say that it's just as funny and the entire cast returned. Now, as for plans for a third, well, maybe so, maybe not.
The film begins with the only survivor from the first movie, Alice, being slain by a mysterious prowler in her own home two months after the conclusion of the original film. Five years later, a group of young adults have come to Crystal Lake to attend a counselor training center that has been set up near the now-condemned Camp Crystal Lake. While some counselors are in town on their way to the facility, Crazy Ralph appears and tells the counselors to turn back, as the young counselors five years ago did not heed his warning. Paul, the leader of the group, explains how camp counseling is a serious job, and that the main danger in this area is bears. One night, around a campfire, Paul tells the people about how Jason Voorhees drowned in the same lake which their training area also bounds; how his mother was found to be the infamous murderer of "Camp Blood;" and that Alice survived only to disappear shortly thereafter, and that some of the local residents believe Jason is still alive and viciously protects the area around Crystal Lake. When the counselors seem into the story, they are shocked by a man with a spear, but it only turns out to be Ted in a monster mask and Paul claims that Jason is dead.While some of the counselors are seen making out, Crazy Ralph is standing by a window, and is suddenly killed by a prowler using a garotte. Two of the counselors sneak away to Camp Crystal Lake, which is now in disrepair. As they are about to go into one of the cabins, they are stalked by an unseen man who then approaches them; but it is revealed that is a local policeman who has caught them trespassing. The policeman returns the two counselors to camp, where Paul only recommends a light punishment. However, when driving, the policeman sees a masked man dart out in front of his squad car, running in the direction of the off limits Camp Crystal Lake. The policeman chases after the masked man to arrest him as well, only to lose him and go into a cabin. The policeman then sees a horrifying sight. It is not shown to the viewer as the prowler who killed Crazy Ralph also murders the policeman from behind. I firmly believe that this, so far, is the best of the series. Going in to this film we were still in awe that the killer from the original was Pamela Voorhees, when, eventually, we see the masked killer in a burlap sack. No, still no hockey mask, that' not till the 3rd one. All around a cool continuation with a rapidly rising body count.
Ash and his girlfriend Linda take a romantic vacation to a seemingly abandoned cabin in the woods (which is all just basically a recap of the first film to catch viewers up with the plot). While in the cabin, Ash plays a tape of an archeology professor (the cabin's previous inhabitant), reciting passages from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis (or "Book of the Dead"), which he has discovered during an archaeological dig. The recorded incantation unleashes an evil force which kills and later possesses the body of Linda. Ash is then forced to sacrifice his girlfriend for his own safety. After he buries and dismembers his girlfriend, a spirit is seen on the hunt for Ash. It is here that the film picks up where its predecessor left off. Ash becomes briefly possessed by the demon, but when day breaks the spirit is gone, and Ash is back to normal. Ash finds little chance of safety, however, as the bridge leading to the cabin is destroyed. To make things worse, Ash is forced to sever his right hand, which has become possessed. While Ash is dealing with this force, the professor's daughter, Annie, and her research partner, Ed, return from the dig with more pages of the Necronomicon in tow, only to find the destroyed bridge. They enlist the help of Jake and Bobby Joe to guide them along an alternate trail to the cabin. The four of them find an embattled Ash, who is slowly being driven insane due to his encounter with the evil force. In a memorable scene, Ash screams at inanimate objects that are laughing insanely at him. At first, he is mistaken for a murderer by the four people because he shoots at them through the door. Ed is possessed and is soon killed by Ash. Bobby Joe tries to escape, but is attacked by the trees. Ash is possessed once again and throws Jake against a tree, knocking him unconscious. Annie retreats to the cabin and accidentally stabs Jake and drags him to the cellar door where he is killed by Henrietta, Annie's mother who was possessed by the Evil Force and buried by Professor Knowby, who didn't have the heart to dismember his wife and thus let her rest in peace. Later Ash, once again posessed by the forces of darkness, tries to kill Annie, but returns to normal when he finds Linda's necklace. Ash, with Annie's help, modifies the chainsaw and attaches it to where his right hand had been. They eventually find the pages of the Necronomicon and Annie chants an incantation that sends the evil force back to where it came from. The incantation opens up a whirling temporal portal which not only draws in the evil force, but nearby trees, the Oldsmobile, and Ash himself. Ash's possessed hand stabs Annie with the Kandarian dagger. More or less a re-do of the first one, this treatment is far more extravagant while still maintaining the low-budget aspect. An awesome film.
Ripley, the only survivor of the space freighter Nostromo, is rescued and revived after drifting for fifty-seven years in hypersleep, Interviewed before a panel of executives from her employer the Weyland-Yutani Corp. Ripley's testimony regarding the Alien is met with extreme skepticism, as no physical evidence of the creature survived the destruction of the Nostromo. Ripley loses her space flight license as a result of her "questionable judgment" in destroying the Nostromo and learns that LV-426, the planetoid where her crew first encountered the Alien eggs, is now home to a terraforming colony. Ripley is visited by Weyland-Yutani employee Carter J. Burke, who informs her that contact has been lost with the colony on LV-426. The company is dispatching Burke and a unit of US Colonial Marines to investigate, and offers to restore Ripley's flight status if she will accompany them as a consultant. Psychologically traumatized by her experience onboard the Nostromo, Ripley initially refuses to join, but accepts when she realizes the mission will allow her to face her fears. Arriving in orbit of LV-426 aboard the warship Sulaco, she is introduced to the Colonial Marines, including Lieutenant Gorman, Sergeant Apone and the Android Bishop. The heavily-armed expedition descends to the planetoid's surface via dropship, where they find the colony seemingly abandoned. The only living things found are two Alien "facehuggers" on display in the colony's medical lab and a severely traumatized young girl nicknamed Newt. The Marines locate the colonists, who are clustered in the colony's nuclear-powered atmosphere processing station. Traveling to the station, the Marines find a large Alien nest filled with the cocooned corpses of the colonists. When the Marines destroy a chestburster, a swarm of Aliens awaken and kill most of the unit. Ripley rescues Corporal Hicks and Privates Vasquez and Hudson. With Gorman temporarily unconscious, Hicks assumes command and orders the dropship to recover the survivors, intending to return to the Sulaco and destroy the colony from orbit. A stowaway Alien kills the dropshippilots in flight, causing the vessel to crash into the processing station. The surviving humans barricade themselves inside the colony complex. Though the original is an obvious classic, this sequel amps up the action and terror ten-fold. Such a great movie with one of the most amazing leading ladies of all time, Aliens stands proudly on the top of the heap.
This Blog thing I enjoy has literally made me a name it at least Azerbaijan and in some locations deep in the Congo... so that's cool. Besides infrequently putting forth minimal effort doing a blog, I also try a fair bit harder to make people laugh in their cereal over at GUNAXIN.COM, which is where I actually get paid to make up stupid stuff and use foul language. Anyway... why are you still reading this?
Oh, and while you're here, you might as well go check out my DeviatArt page, too! http://stewwriter.deviantart.com/
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