15 Terribly Shitty Movie Posters

I love a great movie poster. A stellar piece of work can take you right into the movie and make you long to see how it turns out. Mystery, intrigue, beautiful cast members... all of these things are absent from the following list. After a good look at these posters, one would have to wonder why one would want to see any of these movies. These posters, for lack of a better term, suck. Enjoy!

15. Bee MovieSo in this movie that, according to as many reviewers as I felt like consulting (possibly 4), sucked pretty badly, Jerry Seinfeld provided the voice this here bee. It's not like the bee itself is all that bad, but it is the severe over-use of empty space in the background. Apparently whoever designed this slice of pointless crap had never heard of spacial relationships and too much off-balance of negative space. If you have some writing or whatever in one corner, you really need something equally sized in the opposite corner. On this poster, you have precisely none of that. Bad bee!

14. She's The ManI wish this stupid movie poster would just tell me what the hell is going on in the film! Seriously, this thing is a mess. I don't understand the love for red lettering on a white background. It just looks bland and fucking terrible! And I guess Amanda Bynes portrays a hooker or a whore in this movie since that's how she's dressed. Oh, and all of her friends are aspiring sluts as well.

13. The Heartbreak KidEven though everyone knows Ben Stiller has the face of some kind of missing link, is there really any good reason to flaunt it? I mean look at this thing: Ben in the driver's seat looks like he just ran over a dog, with that glazed-over idiocy in his eyes, and his head appears to have been PhotoShopped on from some other shitty movie poster all together. I actually like the chick doing the raspberry next to him, it's pretty funny. But it would have been far more effective had Ben been someone else.

12. VenusDoes the decrepit and ancient Peter O'Toole wear adult diapers? I certainly hope so because it appears, in all its singular glory, that he just fired off a nice liquidy mess in his long pants. Unless the entire plot of the movie is: "Peter O'Toole craps himself repeatedly", this poster is absolutely and stunningly bad. I can smell his 'whoopsie' from here.

11. Fred Claus

So Kevin James is Santa's brother, Fred? Oh wait, that's NOT Kevin James from TV and film? Are you sure? Oh, it's Vince Vaughn? You have got to be fucking kidding me? He looks like he might actually be Santa's brother with those jowls! Oh, and while we're on the subject, welcome to the department of redundancy department... Doesn't the poster more or less illustrate exactly what the wording says? I guess this poster is illiterate-friendly as well.

10. Little Man

We all know nothing screams comedy gold like the gorge-rising family, the Wayans. Their irreverent and excruciatingly obnoxious brand of humor apparently gives them the right to take any and all comedy avenues and speed down them like a run-away semi. That fact aside, I can't imagine any possible way this poster could be more offensive aside from having a pair of bouncing tits in front of the 'kid'. Tattoo, brown-bag baby bottle, shit-eating grin... now where have I seen something similar to this before... oh yeah! Looney Tunes! Baby Finster! Yeah, now that was funny. This... is not.

9. The Golden Compass

There is just so much going on in this garbage heap that it slightly reminds me of an M.C. Escher piece having sex with a Salvator Dali work. Nothing makes any sense, nothing is balanced, nothing is... good. Let's start with the huge flying woman possibly feet above the rapidly teetering airship. Is she a giant? Is she even in the foreground? I have no idea but it's hurting my head. Oh, and the pirate guy, is he just randomly lobbing bullets willy-nilly? Possibly at that ghostly, creepy-ass rabbit hovering, so misplaced, on the horizon? I get it, it's a puzzle, right? Right?

8. In The Valley of Elah

"Two Men and a Matchbox Car." No? How about, "An Old Man, His Partner, and a Tiny Cop Car." Or, "In The Valley of the Giants." Why did the two of them (yes I know the second one is Charlize Theron) have to walk so damn far from their squad car to pose, morosely, for the camera? I'd be willing to bet the car would have looked really cool closer up. Kind of CHiPs-like! Sweet.

7. Waterworld

Marketing meeting, 3:15 pm, Friday: "Look, let's just try to make this poster nice an balanced and effective, since everyone is going to find out sooner or later how abhorrently vapid and ridiculous this movie actually is."

Marketing Ass-Kisser: "How about... and I'm just spit-balling here... we take Kevin Costner's face, and super-size the shit out of it! Then, everyone will blame that pompous ass instead of us!"

Boss: "Run with it!"

6. Prime

I'm not entirely certain if Meryl Streep is fawning over the guy right there, or pining for a chunk of Uma's ass. If it's the latter, I'm so seeing this movie... but I highly doubt it. I had no idea that Uma had giraffe lineage in her family tree! Wow, she hides it well... well, aside from her six-foot neck. I also love how the guy is about 2/3 chopped out of this poster. He either had to go really quickly, or he's just not that damn important.

5. Alien Autopsy

So this is the story of the greatest hoax ever yet based on true events. Basically like filming frat boys in a hovercraft drunkenly making crop circles. Chock full of star power, too, I see: Ant and Declan? It sounds like two characters from an animal-themed Disney movie. Presumably there's an alien under the sheet and these two clueless fellows are scientists or, maybe, lazy doctors. It also appears that it was filmed in someone's living room judging by the Paisley-esque wall paper back there. Boy, Now my heart is beating to see this movie! It must have a great ending!

4. Snakes on a Plane

Does this poster honestly say, "Enjoy the FRIGHT?" GOOD LORD! If you're going to frost a bad movie with really bad puns, you may as well just toss in the towel from the get go. The 'net hyped the hell out of this flick and based on the strength of that mass of traffic alone, it tanked faster than the Exxon Valdez. It did, however, spawn a billion copy-cat posters and PhotoShopped mock-ups featuring anything and everything you could conceivably get, 'On A Plane'. And why did they choose to emulate the Blue Cross/Blue Shield snakes-wrapped-around a-staff logo? Are there insurance adjusters or medical staff on board? Did someone order a prescription? Does Sam Jackson appear in this movie?

3. The Whole Ten Yards

If ever there were a more PhotoShopped picture haphazardly slapped together like a church pot-luck, I have personally never seen it. Bruce Willis' head looks like it came direct from his Hudson Hawk poster, only aged to prune-wrinkly perfection. I believe Matthew Perry wasn't even there that day and they just caught him standing on his driveway watering his mums and snapped a Polaroid. The women and the rooster look relatively OK, but each obviously on opposite ends of the photo shoot not speaking to each other. Then, to top it all off, the whole card-board cut-out of the main cast was placed in the back alley of the studios and some old guy showed up to get his picture taken. Just absolute garbage.

2. Doom

Have you ever played this game? Damn cool. Have you ever seen this movie? And you haven't committed suicide? Brave people. Remember in the game how you could see the monsters before you shot them? Well, apparently the designers of this shit festival figured that the core audience for this movie would be people not familiar with the game, so they chose to toss the monster in all fuzzy and mysterious. It didn't help one iota. And that gun? In the game it was really, REALLY sweet! On this poster it looks like a glorified caulking gun with some shit glued on it for 'effects'. Also, he appears to be gunning down this figment in some duct work. Outstanding.

1. Superbabies

This poster looks like the cover of a book in my PURGATORY! Yeah, I have kids, and they're pretty smart, but they have no desire to become super... oh, wait, yes they do. Anyway, I digress. It tells us to not drive, but instead, crawl to this movie. First of all, I had no intention of either driving or, for God's sake, CRAWLING anywhere near this piece of poo. Apparently the first movie was so stellar that the producers immediately green-lit a sequel. And then they decided to call it SUPERBABIES. And THEN, they threw together this steaming pile. Trust me, my little super-kids could have drawn a better poster with their eyes closed, in the dark, with condiments. SUCKS, SUCKS, and SUCKS! 'Don't Drive, Crawl...' FUCK YOU, POSTER!

*BONUS POSTER* Charlie Wilson's War

I have yet to see this movie, I plan to this weekend, but if the film itself has anything to do with this poster, I'm going to be very unhappy. I have no love for Julia Roberts at all, but on this poster she looks like a damn scarecrow with a wig. Tom Hanks (a personal favorite of mine) couldn't possibly look anymore smug and uncaring if he'd had the script for Turner and Hooch 2 sitting next to him. And Philip Seymour Hoffman is appearing in this movie as Jack Nicholson. Looks wonderful.