PEE-YOU, Didn't Scare Ya.

SO I had this idea based entirely on the idea of some other guy. Yup, sometimes I'm just so unoriginal I literally stand next to myself and kick my own ass. Oh well, I can hit a dry patch now and again, right? I can't always be coming up with masterworks of brilliance on a regular basis, right? I can't always be expected to produce some of the finest combinations of the written word ever put to BLOG, right? Good, I'm glad we're all in agreement on this. Ok, so, the following list comprises the TOP TEN HORROR MOVIES I COULD THINK OF RIGHT NOW THAT, THOUGH IRREPARABLY ROTTEN TO THE CORE, ARE STILL KINDA GOOD. Yes, I know that's a long name for a list, but I needed to be a bit more specific since the last horror movie list I wrote is going to need at least two full ten-fold addendums. Oh, and to go along with this one, I have another quick story to add, and I like to call it: AMY AND THE RING. Check out how simple this is: I made Amy watch THE RING this one time, and she was all like, "it's gonna be scary," and I was all like, "nah, you'll be ok and I'll be here with you," and she was all like, "Okay, I'll watch it." So we did, and she was so totally scared that she was all cowering under her blankets and was like whimpering and shit! Ha! That shit was tight, yo! Good Lord, I can't believe I just wrote like that. Wow. So, while I wash the wicked taste of that last paragraph out of my mind, I present you with: T.T.H.M.I.C.T.O.R.N.T.T.I.R.T.T.C.A.S.K.G. Enjoy! 10- THE MUMMY - The one I speak of is the remake (sort of) with Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz. This movie is pretty terrible and really isn't all that strong of a story. The effects are all CGI and not even remotely scary, but the mummy itself is pretty cool how he can turn into sand and bugs and whatnot. Oh, and the sequel is just downright ridiculous. 9- VAN HELSING - This piece of crap came out a few years ago featuring the acting (?) chops of one Hugh Jackman and made, coincidentally enough by the same cat that did the MUMMY. Now this is a guilty pleasure of mine since seeing all of the major Universal Monsters under one roof dueling it out in any capacity is pretty boner-inducing, but all in all, it just sucks. Kate Beckinsale is hot enough to make up for the crap, but just barely. 8- FRIDAY THE 13th 8 (JASON TAKES MANHATTAN) - Though the kills are all pretty sweet, especially when Jason uppercuts some hooligan's head into a dumpster, the story is a convoluted mess and fails miserably at its half-assed attempt to explain Jason's childhood issues. Also, the only part of Manhattan actually seen is like back alleys and a wharf. Not good. 7- AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS - I'm only vaguely certain of the leads in this disaster, possibly the one chick from Killing Zoe and one of the kids from That Thing You Do, and that in itself is a testament to just how unbelievably unwatchable this mess was. Landis' original was astounding with the gore and the humor and the feature of the greatest wolf transformation ever put to film, where as this abomination had none of those things. Zero! 6- THE SHINING (TV REMAKE) - I don't honestly know what King's issues were with the original masterpiece from Stanley Kubrik, but it's no secret that he had them in spades. Maybe it was the fact that this particular story was such a personal write for King since it took place during his alcoholism and drug addiction period and evidently Kubrik messed it up somehow, or, perhaps it's because it didn't feature a terrible Rebecca DeMornay much like the remake! Either way, Kubrik's film is such an amazing movie that one wonders why a remake was even necessary, and, what in THE HELL King was thinking. 5- JAWS 4 - "Hey look! Another shark! Everybody slowly move away... FROM THIS MOVIE! 4- THE TRAIL OF THE BLOODBEAST - This wonderfully mashed together slab of crap was featured on a fantastic episode of one of my favorite shows of all time, Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, that ought to clue you in to just how incredibly bad this piece really is. Basically, a group of space explorers return from said space and inadvertently bring back with them some kind of mirror-covered shadow deal that is so somebody in a costume and it's apparent no one bothered to try in the costume department. Bad acting, too. Just so BAD! 3- TROLL - Holy crap, where to begin here. This is such an acid trip of a bad movie that not one thing remotely connects with another. There's a grandfather and his grandson, there's trolls from Nilbog (yup, Goblin spelled backward), and there's some kind of magic... shit, I really lost most of this from the first and, consequently, the last time I saw it. 2- THE GRUDGE - Whomever told Sarah Michelle Gellar that she could carry a movie should be beaten with bats. This comes headlong into the whole Japanese Invasion of horror cinema just on the heel of the success of The Ring. Now in Japan, this film is called Ju-On, and it's really, REALLY good and quite disturbing. Conversely, this one is neither or anything else. 1- ZOMBIE LAKE - I was invited to watch this nightmare a few months ago and I have to say, wrapping a tender story of a zombie dad getting to know his still-living illegitimate daughter inside a slow moving crap fest featuring zombies (or, vampires) coming out of a lake (or pool) is just bound for disaster. It's foreign, it's fetid, and the dialog is downright deplorable. But yet again, I have to call this one a guilty pleasure as well. What can I say, I have a soft spot for Zombies in any incarnation. Okay, feast on that poop pudding for a bit. See ya later. Stew