TEN MORE THINGS I HAPPEN TO WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

Halloween is but 6 days away and I have to say I am getting pretty darn excited. Oh sure, it's the sweet costumes and the snazzy yard displays we're sure to see throughout the night, but mostly, it's the promise of a shit load of candy. I am such a candy fiend that it isn't even funny, but it is borderline psychotic and insane. I don't normally eat it though, and I think it's because I look so forward to holidays such as this where I can set my supply up for the whole following year until some other celebration featuring more candy comes along. And there are plenty. Anyway, I do like the haunted pageantry and the spooky decorations and the way that my kids always manage to come to a house that scares the poo-poo out of them and I have to explain that the man ambling toward them decked out in tatters and goopy blood is actually a regular Joe dressed to thrill. Sometimes they buy it, others they make me get the treats while they attempt to hold their collective piss. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my boys have decided to be knights. Both got essentially the same costumes only with different colors and patterns. They both got swords and a really cool ax to accompany the full ensemble. So, with all that in mind, I present to you, the TOP TEN HALLOWEEN THEMED THINGS THAT I LOVE FOR THE UPCOMING FESTIVITIES. Enjoy! 10) I just adore how every snack-style food item has adopted a more fearsome approach to their typical package and/or item design. Take Little Debbie, for example, this on-the-ball broad is always promoting a holiday-themed cake or treat no matter the occasion and Halloween is certainly no exception. I happen to love her little Pumpkin-style cupcakes and whatnot! Say, is that a package of pre-made cookies over there? Yup, and they're fucking ghosts, too! Kick ass! Cereal? Oh hell yes! Only this time of year do you get the trio of Monster Themes all out for the picking! Get you some Booberry, Count Chocula, and Frankenberry before it's too late! 9) I just love the newspaper inserts for Halloween stores that, of late, have featured nothing but a smattering of scantily-clad whores hocking the slutty 'wears' of the said shop! For some reason, this year has become one of 'as-little-costume-as-you-legally-can-get-away-with' year, and I'm only saying this because I honestly saw a Hermione get-up from Harry Potter that looked like it belonged on a stripper! Man, she's gonna be cold this year! 8) An overload of horror flicks is just channels away for those of you with cable. For some reason it's next to impossible to find Evil Dead, Friday The Thirteenth Part IV, or The Howling gracing your set any other time of year despite how wonderful these programs truly are! I wonder why that is? 7) Pumpkins. Let's face it: aside from pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving and, maybe, Christmas, what other holiday showcases the versatility of this wonderful orange gourd? Not a damn one. So, to show our appreciation for such a tasty veggie, let's whack the shit out of it and carve pretty and spooky faces into them! Oh, and shove a candle in there to accentuate the outstanding artwork you've created! I have four on my patio! Go Pumpkins! 6) Newly-released horror movies become all the rage again as well. After a summer of shape-shifting robots, action-packed shoot-'em-up's, web-slinging has-beens, and wand-toting wiz-kids, it's about damn time we got back to knife-wielding slashers and blood-sucking monsters! Yes! And you just know that SAW 4 is going to out disgust just about everyone willing to check it out. Me first! 5) I just love the variety of costumes this year filling whole aisles, sometimes two or more, with their ominous, empty shrouded, lifeless shells. It's almost uncomfortable to walk down these corridors of creepiness without looking over your shoulder just nearly positive that some maniac is going to hack you to ribbons dressed as Shrek. Watch out! 4) Everything that isn't technically a costume is fucking ORANGE! What the hell? The only orange article of clothing I own is a Detroit Tigers shirt and hey, that's because it's their color scheme. But why does every T-shirt need to be orange and have a goofy-ass saying on them? Boo yourself, ass! 3) No other time of year are you offered the wondrous confectionery that is candy corn. I adore candy corn and would, if given the chance, wolf down an entire sack of them in one sitting. Yes, they are so sickeningly sweet that after a few your very soul hurts, but that's the charm of the candied kernel; it just keeps getting somehow sweeter and slowly killing you from the inside out. I can't wait to go to town on a bag of these jewels. Oh, and this kind of corn doesn't make a reappearance the next night, if you dig my meaning. 2) It never fails that it's likely going to rain on trick or treat evening. It's just the nature of the beast I suppose. It spit for a minute last year but otherwise it hung off until we were done, and I hope to the Ghastly Gods that it does the same thing this time. I don't mind if it's cold, I'd just as soon stay dry. I remember one year when I was a tot, my parents prior to their downward spiral into psychosis took my siblings and I to the mall since we were experiencing a bitch of a storm. It sucked ass and I'll never do that to my children. I'll just drive them around. Screw you, Mall! 1) It's a tie here, so bear with me. First off, three words: THE GREAT PUMPKIN. Charlie Brown's best special in my opinion and just to get the chance to hear Sally say, "I missed Tricks or Treats!" is just plain classic. And finally, my wife's THIRTIETH birthday is the next day and I get to inundate her with insults and comedic comments till I'm blue in the face. Why? She hates the fact that she's done with the twenties. I am so ready for this! YAHOO! Okay, that's it. Move along... Stew