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First off, if you are easily offended or grossed out by bodily functions, you may want to skip this particular tirade. Otherwise, now that the sissies have left the room, sit back, relax, and enjoy quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I have ever written about. So far. I am at a loss for reasons why, but for the past four days I have had the most potent onslaught of diarrhea I have ever been a party to in my entire existence on this planet. I suppose it could have been something I ate, that typically makes for a viable explanation, but the thing is, I haven't eaten anything particularly unusual lately at all. Yeah, as I said before, I have changed my diet a bit to include more healthy, good-for-me foods, but I never expected this outcome to be an issue. Or, I suppose, I could be sick. But again, I have no recollection of being in or around anything or, to a far lesser extent, anyone who, or, that, has been overcome with such similar gastro-intestinal problems. I don't really hang around anyone, for that matter, outside of my immediate family here at home and I know for certain that none of them have been over-using the facilities for premature sphincter evacuation. And, as so commonly associated with actually being sick, I feel fine. So, this leaves the less obvious solution, somewhere, that I have yet to discover but is most likely related to the fact that I am dying from amoebic dysentery. Now I have no qualms about handling standard diarrhea, that's a cake walk for me. But this stuff is high atop the ladder of oddities that is even boggling to this mind. First off, it's a nice Kool-Aid shade of green. You know, that color that looks decidedly similar to a melted Popsicle? So amazingly green that grass is so like, "wow!" Yeah, that color. And, on top of that (as if that alone weren't enough to warrant a trip to the ER) it has little to no substance to it. Normal Hershey Squirts are generally packed with little bits of this and that: kidney bean skins, corn, bits of fruit, you know, the detritus from what you've eaten over the course of a few days. No sir, this garbage has nothing of the kind, just meager bits of swill and jetsam from, evidently, deep within my colon. And, to top it all off, it burns like Satan has his middle finger jammed inside my poor little balloon knot. Believe me, after four or five times a night, no amount of any type of soft and quilted toilet tissue is going to do a damn bit of good against that singe; I might as well be wiping with yesterdays paper, for all the comfort its providing me. Fortunately, it all kind of comes out in like one big splash. There's not a whole lot of pomp and show; it doesn't hang on and make me wait fifteen minutes before finally deciding to release itself from my raw pooper. At least I've got that going for me. No, it warns me pretty well about five minutes before it becomes, what my brother used to call a 'Poo-Mergency', and I get situated with a few seconds to spare and then, GOOSH! It's like a a bank tube jetting through that air duct in the drive through... SHIOOP! And it's all over. I still hang out for a few minutes though, nothing worse than a clinger when you think your business transaction is complete. Then it's a quick dainty pat with the Charmin, all the while cringing in sheer agony, and back to the standing position until it happens all over again. Tough to sit with a weeping anus, you know. I sure hope this isn't the work of this new Oatmeal Regimen I've taken on every morning. Sure, I know that stuff is like Mother Nature's Squeegee but this is just ridiculous. So, until I figure out what the heck is happening to me internally, I leave you with these words: Sorry. Stew Stumble It!