THE TOP 11 UN-CEREAL BREAKFAST FOODS

I'm a sucker for a good breakfast. I don't even care if it's cereal, jam and toast, or a grapefruit smothered in bacon, it just doesn't matter. Now, I suppose if I had to pick, I'd have to say I'd probably pick good old fashioned cereal over anything else, and those of you familiar with this blog can plainly see that judging by all of the cereal-related lists I've done. Anyway, I was sitting here racking my brain when it suddenly hit me like a John Candy-sized Johnny Cake: why not do a list of the top ten non-cereal breakfast foods? Cool! Then I found an eleventh. So, here it is, the TOP 11 UN-CEREAL BREAKFAST FOODS. Pull up a chair and dig in.

********************************************** **************************************** **********************************************

11) DONUTS

What screams 'Office Breakfast' like a big ol' dozen of donuts? Nothing, that's what. Around here you pretty much have two decent choices for your pastry convenience and they are: Sweetwater's Donut Mill and, of course, Krispy Kream. If you're going for the more illustrious, gigantic, bigger-than-your-damn head donut, you can't go wrong with Sweetwater's, but if you're just going for typical yet unbelievably satisfying, it's gotta be the Kream. Anyway, for the most part, no matter how you top it, glaze it, or fill it, a donut's a donut. That being said, I'll take a Bear claw... INSTANTLY!

************************************************** **************************************************

10) COLD PIZZA

Now THERE'S how you make Pizza Hut more palatable!

I went to college, I was a swinging bachelor, I know what it's like to subsist off of Ramen Noodles, beer, cigarettes, Mac and Cheese, and Peanut Butter. But when you were able to order the occasional pizza, you milked that shit like free money. I would get the biggest and most pizza I could for my buck and eat the leftovers for every meal thereafter until I either ate it all, box-cheese and all, or had to throw it out for fear of fungal take-over. Nothing goes better with a morning smoke and a tasty Bloody Mary like a slice of cold pizza. Oh yeah.

****************************************************** ******************************************************

8) TOAST

Got bread? Possibly a heat source up to and including a radiator, a candle, or crack-pipe lighter? You, sir, can have some toast. Toppings are limitless, as you can see by the most delicious picture above (trust me: not so much after 5 hot dogs... ugh) and, if you were really smart and/or destitute, you can always rely on Peanut Butter which is damn fine on any toasted bread. Or, let's say you have a Bagel, toast that sum bitch up and slather on some cream cheese! Noe that's fine eatin'! Toast: it's what's for breakfast.

*********************************************** ***********************************************

7) EGGS (SCRAMBLED, POACHED, FRIED, OMELETS... IT'S ALL EGGS)

Something as simple as a fritata to the epitome of egg-dom, the souffle, eggs are always, to coin a phrase, incredibly eatable. However, I think I might be ovo-intolerant since I can really only eat a few eggs every so often. It's a lot like eating too much processed meat: I get bloated, logey, and kinda blah. So, either way, I only eat eggs once a week. Now, for some reason, I can go nuts with salted hard-boiled eggs. I don't get it either, but they just don't bother me the same way as nearly every other cooking method... where was I? Oh right, eggs are groovy.

************************************************ ************************************************

7) GRITS

I may not be Southern, but I love me some grits. If I'm going out to breakfast, I'm looking to see if they have grits, and if they don't, I pitching a bitch. Grits are fantastic smothered and slathered in butter and salt and all that arterial-ruining goodness. Or, conversely, take a good spoonful or so of sausage gravy and ladle it on and, oh Lord, I'm getting hungry. Or I have gas.

****************************************** ******************************************

6) COCO WHEATS

Now I have no Earthly idea who this kid is, but there's little denying that he is thoroughly disgusted with his apparent first taste of Coco Wheats. Yeah, they take a little getting used to and are, for some, an acquired taste. I happen to like them quite a bit and compare them quite literally to chocolate Cream of Wheat with a bit more grout-like consistency and they could, in an emergency, Spackle a tub when coddled after a bit. Not for nothing, though, they are pretty tasty and are, evidently, kind of good for you.

************************************************** **************************************************

5. THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH

Can you find the three hidden sandwiches in this picture?

Began by the fast food franchises to allow the general consumer to inhale his or her breakfast while driving to work via the knees while at the same time balancing a coffee, a phone, and a laptop. More or less combing one or more of the following: biscuits, English muffins, griddle cakes, sourdough, eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese, and ham, conveniently encapsulated in a wax-coated wrapper generally the temperature of fresh lava. Even so, nothing says heart burn and bloating like slurping down a few of these guys while attempting to make a deadline. Now that's healthy.

********************************************** **********************************************

4) HOTCAKES (OR: PANCAKES, GRIDDLE CAKES, JOHNNY CAKES, FLAPJACKS...)

"Thanks, mom! At this rate I'll have a stroke before I'm twelve!"

Ah, pancakes! Few breakfast goodies are easier or equally as difficult not to fuck up. Oh sure, the directions are right there on the damn box and, for the most part, an ape on heroine could whip up a batch, bur somewhere along the line, somehow, someone always turns them into burnt, over-cooked-yet-raw-in-the-middle messes... and that man is me. Well, regardless, if you can't do 'em right, you can always head on down to IHOP or any other worth-its-salt breakfast joint and get 'em like there supposed to be made: stacked in multiples of fifteen and smothered with an entire tree's worth of syrup. Oh yeah.

************************************************ ************************************************

3. WAFFLES

The bastard cousin of the flapjack is the waffle. Made with a mix that is slightly similar, yet different, a cooked in such a way that you need a special uni-tasker just to do them right. Yes, I'm an Alton Brown fan. Cram it. Anyway, few things smell as delicious or taste as magnificent right off the heating element as waffles. How do I like mine, you ask? Well, the size of a man hole cover and topped nicely with fried chicken and syrup. Oh yeah, I so should have been a Southerner.

********************************************* *********************************************

2) OATMEAL

Bow your heads to the disembodied melon of your doom, WILFRED BRIMLEY! AHHHH!

What can I say: I love oatmeal. Oh no, not plain, that shit is wrong. No, I mean with flaxseed, brown sugar, vanilla, and butter. Trust me, you try this method and you'll never look at lowly oatmeal the same way again. And it's good for your ass! Also, go out and get you some of those oatmeal squares that Quaker puts out that are like an entire serving in a convenient bar. The banana bread is just ridiculous.

*********************************************** ***********************************************

1) POP-TARTS

Perhaps the quintessential breakfast speed-food is, of course, the Pop-Tart. You can buy this toaster pastry in nearly every conceivable flavor from blueberry to mint chocolate chip, each with a more bizarre and potentially flammable frosting. Seriously, never before has there been a more dangerous and ignitable breakfast food on the market. Always have a fire extinguisher at hand when you plop down a couple of these liabilities and then, sit back and enjoy. Also very good frozen. I likes 'em like that!

THE TOP 10 MOTHER'S DAY LETTERS

Ah, Mother's Day. A day that belongs exclusively to mothers. Regardless of the fact that my own mother is, well, shall we say, 'estranged', for lack of a better and more discreet term, Mother's Day is still very important around here especially since my wife is the mother of my three outstanding children. So, without further ado, here's the top 10 Mother's Day Letters.

************************************************ ******************************************* ************************************************

10) M - M is for mommy, so fun in our marriage

Thanks for squatting our kids from your undercarriage

9) O - O is for outstanding, for the mom's sense of pride

Especially when the need arises to chuck the kids outside

8) T - T is for tolerance, so needed in spades

Especially when you find the huge mess the kids made

7) H - H is for hero, she's the lady they cry to

Often when you heal them without even trying to

6) E - E is for estrogen, the fuel for the lass

Carpe Diem, dear mother, kick that day in the ass

5) R- R is for relaxing, for when mommy's plumb pooped

And the very real reason why old moms look stooped

4) S- S is for 'STOP IT!', the call of the mom

For use when the children have broke free of calm

3) D - D is for daring, for when mom must fight ghosts

Like when daddy's asleep from night full of toasts

2) A - A is for awesome! Just how my kid's mom is

When she spends a whole day trying to keep every promise

1) Y - Y is for Yippee! The yell all my kids do

And when those kids go to bed, it's the noise I make, too

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THOSE MOMMIES OUT THERE!

THE TOP 15 FUNNIEST FUNNY-ASS POSTERS PART 1

Hey, it's lazy day again! You all know what that means: me doing nothing! I did, however, manage to collect a bunch of goofy-ass posters. So, here ya go. Enjoy ya tards.

*********************************************************** *************************************************** ***********************************************************

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY IRON MAN IS THE BEST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER

After walking back from the theater and rolling over afresh the film I just witnessed, it has become increasingly clear that IRON MAN is, for all intents and purposes, the greatest Superhero movie ever made. Hold back the gunfire while I explain. Yes, many of you are monogamous to Spider-Man 2, or even X-Men 2... hell, even some are clinging to their Superman and even the Burton Batman, but I have to honestly say this movie has in spades the very things that those other attempts -albeit wonderful attempts at that- lack. So, follow along with me as I tell you precisely why Iron Man is the new pinnacle by which all others must be measured.

*************************************************** ******************************************* ***************************************************

10) MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACADE

When casting for a superhero movie it is of the utmost importance to find an actor or actress that not only feels like the part, but also looks it. This is especially critical when the source material is something as visual as a comic book. Everyone knows who Peter Parker looks like, and, well, we grew to accept him as Tobey Maguire. But, all in all, not exactly what one might immediately pin-point as the perfect Parker. We all have a very precise idea of who Bruce Banner is... and, for now, he is not Eric Bana and, for now, he isn't Edward Norton... that one remains to be seen, but, I'm hedging my bets against it. Now when it comes to Tony Stark, no one would have even come remotely close to Robert Downey Jr., no young actor, no up-and-comer, no snotty little fresh-faced bitch. Favreau went old Hollywood and found the PERFECT Stark.

************************************************* *************************************************

9) STICKING TO THE SOURCE

Many things have to occur in a film to make the from-comic adaptation a score. They have to live in the same city (Right on with Superman and Metropolis and Batman in Gotham), they have to follow stolidly with the back story and why this particular character is who he or she is (again, spot on with Batman and Superman, and for the most part, Spidey), and they have to have the supporting cast that is precisely who you'd figure they ought to be. Now, in Iron Man, you have Pepper Potts (Paltrow) as a spot-on assistant to Mr. Stark, Lieutenant Rhodes (Howard) as his protege-cum-War Machine, and Obediah Stane (Bridges) as Stark's business confidant-cum-Titanium Man. Now that is perfection.

********************************************* *********************************************

8) THROW THE AUDIENCE A BONE

Though one who is not a comic geek (present company excluded) should not turn away from a comic adaptation because one might not get who is who and why, the movie should still dollop on the goodness for those of us who are proud to be faithful readers. Yes, I was never a huge reader of Iron man, though I did read my fair share back when I was all about the printed goodness. This however did nothing to stay me from my desire to see the movie, and being familiar with the comic as a whole really helped when we were treated with Rhodes finally seeing a second Iron Man suit as Stark goes out to take on Stane and utter, "Next time, baby," Yeah, we all know what that means. And, when the yes man from the Strategic Homeland yadda yadda finally tells us all that their acronym is S.H.I.E.L.D., I was gleeful. And finally, after the credits, when we're given the tasty frosting of Sam Jackson as Nick Fury speaking about the Avenger program, I grinned with all-knowing. That, sir, is what it's all about.

****************************************** ******************************************

7) ORIGINS: TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT

It's no secret that the whole origin sequence in any given superhero movie can bog down the process of really getting to the juicy goods. However, one can't just say to Hell with the backstory, let's just get to ass-kicking and enemy crushing just for the sheer benefit of the comic geek. The studio and director has to assume that some of its audience is going to be ignorant to the comic and must take it from the beginning. So, in such movies as Superman, Spider-Man, and Batman, the origins were dolled out and did, for the most part, take up a good half of the movie. This was okay, but it did slow the narrative down a bit and, eventually, the films more than made up for it in future scenes. Now, with Iron man, the origin didn't come at the hands of a freak accident, a chemical enhancement, or a familial loss. No, Stark became Iron man out of necessity to save himself from a fate he had no intention of letting happen. Then, quick as you please, it became the story and Stark spent every moment making Iron Man his only goal. That was exactly how it should be.

*************************************** ***************************************

6) TAKING A LIBERTY

There's no denying the fact that certain things have to be scrapped or rearranged from the comic -or any written source for that matter- in order to make way for a more concise script: it is inevitable. Take Spider-Man for instance. We all know that his web shooters in the comics are devises that often have to be refilled with cartridges in order to maintain his webbing ability. This, however, didn't really translate well to the film, ergo: webbing spurts from the wrists. Makes sense to me. So, in Iron Man, his chest plate, the very mechanics that keep Stark's heart beating properly, is not the same piece of robotics as in the comic. Here, it is a glorified electro-magnet keeping Afghani bomb-shrapnel from puncturing his heart. Still there, still a focus of his suit... just a bit different and well explored and dealt with. Spot on again.

************************************************* *************************************************

5) LOVE IN THE TIME OF COMIC BOOKS

I'm honestly not a fan of love interests and sappy story arcs in comic books. In my opinion, it needs to be fighting, taking a breath for a page to adjust tactics, and fighting some more. So when it comes to presenting the audience with something outside of the main focus... say, a bit of a love story, it really has to be given just so lest it become far more of a plot point that necessary. Again, take Spider-Man. Parker is obsessed with Mary Jane, no doubt about it. The movie, however fantastic, explores this like it's the main point almost giving Spider-Man a bit of a back seat. All three of the films do the same thing: Mary Jane this, Mary Jane that... oh, and Spider-Man, too. No, bad movie maker! In Iron Man, Pepper Potts -Paltrow, who normally I can't stand as far as i can throw- is Stark's assistant and the two rely on each other for so very much, but there is only a hint of a spark between them and it only takes up a modicum of screen time. You keep your kisses out of my ass-kicking, and I'll keep my Iron Man out of your Notebook, OK? Oh, and Paltrow is wonderful. So there!

******************************************* *******************************************

4) FOR GOD SAKE, DON'T OVERDO THE VILLAIN

In both Spider-Man and Batman, the original villains in both -Green Goblin and The Joker respectively- became instant farces of themselves. In the case of Goblin, his desire, or, more appropriately his wanton need to destroy Spider-Man, became such an over-the-top mess that when finally the two meet to do battle, it looked like a guy in jammies punching around a fucking Power Ranger! Discreet, people! The Joker, in Burton's Batman, was classic, no doubt, but he literally became almost too funny to take seriously. Not good. Now, in Iron Man, Obediah Stane donning the giant Titanium Man armor was, to the general audience, a surprise since Stane didn't parade around announcing the fact that he wanted to kill Stark until it was absolutely necessary. And he wasn't a stupid looking freak, either. It was Iron man's original design, so, it looked like a bigger Iron Man. Dead on.

****************************************** ******************************************

3) HUMOR FOR HUMOR'S SAKE

Comic books by their very nature have a slight coating of a sense of humor. It's even in the title, 'COMIC'. So, it goes without saying that a faithful adaptation needs to adhere to that same formula by offering up enough of the funny to cool things off a bit between the tense scenes and carry the audience, like a cresting wave, into the next epic battle. However, too funny can and will always be a piss poor idea and was proven as such in the dismal disaster from last summer, Spider-Man 3. The humor and downright audience pandering was just too much and ripped every bit of credibility out of the franchise. Yes, Parker is funny, yes, Spider-Man quips comedic lines, but what Raimi did was just inexcusable. Now in Iron Man, watching Stark learn how to use his suit and fly had just enough 'D'Oh!' type moments to keep the lightness just frothy enough to be tasty. Stark is, by his comic nature, snide. And what Favreau and Downey did with the character was absolutely perfect.

*********************************************** ***********************************************

2) KEEP THE PLOT LIGHT, BUT THE STORY HEAVY

Confusing? Okay, look: simply keep the basic premise of a comic movie; Origin, Discovery, Action, Enemy, Battle, Victory, and you've got all you need for the skeletal idea. Now, use those bones and add the meat accordingly: Origin (Painful, always), Discovery (Humorous but not patronizing), Action (Geek-up the audience by taking them on the best ride ever), Enemy (Oh shit! It's HIM! No way!), Battle (Light humor in passing insults, but full-on ass kicking), Victory (Oh man, I can't believe he survived that!). It's not that simple you say? Take any superhero movie worth its salt and you'll see that it very much is. Iron Man, for instance, fits right in.

********************************************** **********************************************

1) FIND A GUY WHO LOVES THE MATERIAL AND KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING!

Most directors today are given a script, cast accordingly, and make a movie. Shitty, more often than not. Good directors, however... ones that truly love the material they're given, are a rare breed and make the movie 100% better as a result. Donner and Superman: Awesome. Burton and Batman: Superb. Raimi and Spider-Man: 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Those directors knew the material, read the comics, and turned out the perfect comic adaptations. Now, among them, as someone who, if he keeps his head on right and maintains his vision by not going the route of so many of the former franchises that all have a misstep somewhere, stands John Favreau. Sir, you have done it and you have made Iron Man the only way it could have -and should have- been made. Congratulations.

GOIN' 187 UP IN HERE!

Isn't it mildly ironic that the Cop Code for 187 (this particular Blog number) is Homicide? Because, basically, I have 'killed' this week. Get it? Yeah, well, I'm burned out like crazy and basically need a vacation. So, I'll be back Sunday, promise. Please enjoy the many laughs my Archive List has to offer, and, if you want, toss a few ideas my way in the comment section. See you all in a few.

Stew

THE TOP DOZEN SILLIEST NON-MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS TODAY

Hi everyone. It's been an exceptionally long weekend, and, as such, I'm feeling lazy and less-than motivated. So, with that in mind, I decided to quickly post the twelve funniest 'Demotivational' posters I could find. These things are downright hilarious. So, just for the remainder of this Monday, enjoy.

********************************************************* ************************************* *********************************************************

12) SO RIGHT

**************************************************

**************************************************

11) OH PLEASE OH PLEASE...

***************************************************

***************************************************

10) AND HOW

********************************************************** **********************************************************

9) THAT, AND A HOST OF OTHER, BIGGER, ISSUES

********************************************************** **********************************************************

8) WATCH OUT ALIEN STRANGE, HERE COMES THE CAP'N!

***************************************************** *****************************************************

7) SO VERY V E R Y WRONG

************************************************* *************************************************

6) THE SURROGATE PARENT

*************************************************** ***************************************************

5) PERFECT

*********************************************************** ***********************************************************

4) MY NIGHTMARE SUBJECT FOR A WHILE

**************************************************** ****************************************************

3) FUNNY. AND YET...

************************************************** **************************************************

2) LOVELY FAMILY YOU HAVE THERE

************************************************** **************************************************

1) I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING

THE TOP 10 COOLEST BILLBOARDS PART II

Wow! You kids really dug the last billboard list! So cool and also a testament to my continued complacency, at least for now. So, I went through a few of your comments on Shoutwire, and at least three of you mentioned that I sort of copped out on the commentary, so, I'll certainly satiate your demands and fix that. So, here goes with the funny!

********************************************************** ********************************************************** ****************************************************

10) I'LL TAKE THAT...

A lovely ad for Heineken Beer featuring some disembodied specter reaching from the nether-world for a nice cold one. I love how the fingers look exactly how they would if one was to press a hand through a sheet of green fabric in order to grasp a significantly smaller bottle. Yeah, the damn size ratio is way off here, and that pisses me off a little. Other than that, very cool.

*********************************************************

*********************************************************

9) WAIT... WHAT?

Boy, those shishkebobs look so damn tasty, I wish I could just... what? Oh, man, that's just not right! What is the Bursa Kebab company trying to say here? That my date is somehow poke-worthy? Wait a second... maybe that's what they mean!

********************************************************* *********************************************************

8) "SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR A MR. H. CHRIST?"

The obvious point here is that FedEx will deliver anywhere, even skyward to Glory. I have to hand it to whomever designed this billboard since it forced the installation company to erect perhaps the tallest ladder ever made. You know, if they made a ladder this tall, one could assume they could make one long enough to reach space. Not such a silly idea now, is it?

******************************************************** ********************************************************

7) NICE BALLS

I'm sorry, I hate soccer. I'm just so done with the goddamn Beckham and his Popsicle-stick wife occupying so much time here in our country either trying to out-chic everyone else or else being perpetually injured and completely irritating. Soccer is dull, boring, annoying, low-scoring, and has no place in a country that already has hockey. (Just kidding! I love hockey.)

**************************************************** ****************************************************

6) YOU ARE HERE

This is the second DHL ad I've found and i have to say it's just a clever as the one from my previous list with the tiny hands at the bottom. This one is apparently illustrating the fact that the delivery people will bring you your package regardless of where you are, even if it's in a labyrinth. Package for Hoggle right on time.

******************************************************* *******************************************************

5) OH! I NEED THAT PIECE!

What this Lego ad is not telling you is that there is a little kid behind the controls of the crane and he's just about to put the finishing brick in the world's biggest multi-colored castle. The tower features twelve doors all right next to each other, sixteen trees in the bedroom, a guy with three heads and a hat, and nine wheels all on the right side. Now that sounds like fun.

******************************************************* *******************************************************

4) AND GET THE REST OF THAT BLOUSE OFF!

This billboard is from Liberia and obviously features the opposite of what the wording suggests. Apparently the wife-beating issue over there is pretty damn bad to require a sizable out-door sign decrying the act. Also, it seems Liberian adverts allow boobies... cuz, ya know, boobies! Oh, and shame on you! There's a message there, sick-o!

**************************************************** ****************************************************

3) "UM, YEAH... DO YOU GUYS FIX TRUCKS?"

Never has there been a more effective ad campaign featuring a nose-down truck balancing precariously as to suggest at any minute it might topple over, thereby ruining the entire idea. This is just amazing. I have no idea how they did this; presumably there's a rod running through the center to keep it upright (I said 'rod' and 'upright') and it most certainly gets the point across magnificently.

******************************************************* *******************************************************

2) A GHOST IN THE SELL

I have no clue as to the product or company behind this billboard, but it is certainly eye-catching and scary as shit. Imagine, if you will, cruising down a lonely back road in some state in the middle of nowhere relying on only your headlights and that Garmin box on your dash, when this billboard appears from behind a tree. I, sir, would shit an entire plum.

*************************************************** ***************************************************

1) IF ONLY

Nazi/Jewish prison camps are most definitely nothing to laugh at... normally. But come one! This sign is hilarious! I despise Oprah almist as much as soccer (see above) and the thought of this possibly sort of being true, in a round about way, makes me grin. And now I'm going to Hell.