Ten Things I Hate About 'Zoo

Okay, sort of a cop-out on the title there, but hey, puns can be funny, right? Anyone...? Fine. So I have compiled ten things off the tip of my nut that have just been irking me to the boundaries of sanity lately, most of which can be found here about in and around the Kalamazoo area... see, now the title makes more sense. Still no good? Fine. Regardless, here they are in no particular order for your enjoyment. Oh, and just because you may or may not be from around here, it stands to reason that much of these irritants can be noted in your own home towns... right? Fine. X- I was at several stores over the past week mostly offering my body for sexual favors and I couldn't help but notice that on the radio stations pumped into the shopping areas is a collection of the most arbitrary musical choices put to play list. One song you've got Roxette belching out 'She's Got the Look' followed ever so randomly by Barry Manilow crooning through 'Mandy'. Sickening to say the least. And I don't just mean the songs themselves. IX- I'm still flabbergasted by the sheer number of outrageous morons who, though behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, have no rough concept of how to drive. If you have to back up in a turn lane in front of a line of cars following the general rules of directional travel just because you apparently missed your turn, it's time to die. VIII- I love my kids and I'm fully aware that they can be verbal explosions of nonsensical outbursts when in public, but I still can't stand anyone else's children acting like zoo animals in my presence. Maybe it stems from my general dislike of children from when I was younger, meaner, and more single. Who knows. VII- I know it's at the very least a gainful position in the job arena, but why do cart attendees from local grocery stores have to be, let's say, several fries short of a Happy Meal? Is it just because those folks of a more 'special' persuasion can't be given the responsibility of doing more creative tasks? You know, maybe it's the employers I detest on this one. VI- Our useless and ineffective state and local governments run into the soil by a worthless and, evidently retarded, governor. Our head Mistress has let more jobs slip from state residents thereby allowing or state to leap to the bottom of the unemployment barrel more so than any state in the entire country. Thank goodness I didn't vote for her or else I might have a guilty conscience. V- When did we allow owners of dogs to permit said canines to shit all over the sidewalk when grass, such as it is; green, lush, and right there, is, well, RIGHT THERE! Just walking around here is an act of hazardous futility. IV- A tie here: road-crossing waterfowl and trains. Not the present abundance of both, but the fact that people are so damn impatient that they have to creep right up on either/or just to be the first ones past. Calm down, for fuck sake. III- Local establishments slowly fading into extinction. Yeah, I know: out with the old and in with the new, but isn't that kind of like pitching out elderly citizens into a bottomless pit just for outliving their usefulness? Wait a second... II- Our local news casters. I think the mold that pumps these guys out needs to be cleaned and re-primed. How about some fresh faces on the news for once? Yeah, we got a pretty cute weather lady a while back, but the leathery cougar who's been rocking the desk for years needs to get out of Dodge before her spray-on tan coloring dissolves her skin. I- The feeling we all get when we've gotten off the beaten path and cruised accidentally into a neighborhood that just feels shady and off somehow. The houses are a bit more run-down, the residents are a bit more run-down, and the general atmosphere just makes you want to throw the van into reverse and gun it back to the line into the Twilight Zone you've just crossed. And, you're only two miles from town. Let's put up a big plastic, waving bear or something, just so we can all laugh and feel a bit better. That's it. Not bad. I'll have to do this gain sometime right after I finish listening to Ace of Bass. I think Frank Sinatra is on next. Stew