The 15 Best Star Wars Toy Commercials From the 70's and 80's

Just in case it ever comes up in conversation, I am a MASSIVE Star Wars freak. I grew up owning as many of the Kenner Action Figures as I could legally get my grubby little paws on. Fortunately, having parents who spent more time harping on each other and less constructive time raising me and my siblings, gifts were often ways of secretly purchasing affection, hence, I always had whichever Star Wars toy I desired. Yay for me! Anyway, growing up during the heyday of the Trilogy's original and classic line-up was perfect and, had my parents not been so eager to sell off pieces of prized possessions in lame-ass garage sales, I might still have the entire collection. But I digress. Here are fifteen of the greatest television ads for Kenner's most amazing line of toys ever.

15. The Break-Apart C-3P0

So much to love and laugh at hysterically about this ad! Hearing that kid in the first few seconds imitate Chewbacca is comedy gold! Oh, and the boy acting out 3P0's English accent as he demands to be taken to Princess Leia and Han Solo is far too funny not to make you pee a little.

14. The Imperial Scout Walker

So what is this guy trying to so vaguely convey? I swear, the writing for this commercial must have been done over six or seven shots of Jagermeister late one Saturday. He says 'Attack' THREE fucking times! Oh, and 'War' and 'Battle', too! I kind of got the impression that Star Wars was about puppets. What do I know?

13. The Millennium Falcon

"Nice landing, Han Solo!" Just in case you forgot, after being bludgeoned in the skull by a tire iron, that Han's last name is SOLO, the kids remind you in the most ridiculous and pointless of ways. Next time you congratulate someone, make sure you use the COMPLETE name.

12. Empire Strikes Back Action Figure Collection

The Rebel High Command? The Hell? Is that like an all-overseeing group of people that control all of the underlings with strict rules and regulations. You know, sort of like THE GALACTIC EMPIRE! No, couldn't be...

11. Twin-Pod Cloud Car

Where to even begin. It's almost like they marketed these toys to complete idiots who had never, EVER seen the film. Leia arrives, since she's being followed... OK, and then, just after Lando asks who she is, she responds with a request and, since she presumably knows, HIS NAME! This is such a convoluted mess that I nearly tipped over in my chair with fits of laughter.

10. Rebel Snow Speeder

Well at the very least they didn't bother to ask the kid to weakly imitate a Brit, so it's got that going for it. Could you tell that the ship featured lighted and sounded 'laser' guns? Yeah, well it did.

9. Patrol Dewback

Brought to you once again by the fine folks at the Department Of Redundancy Department. Do you honestly think that any of the Stormtroopers, had they been actual people, would have called the creature they were riding on by its title? It's like naming your pack mule Pack Mule.

8. Tauntaun and Wampa

How fucking funny would it be if all that kid could say was 'WAMPA!' Oh, mercy! This is just so funny!

7. Hoth Play Set

Wait, you can make the elevator go up or DOWN? That's not physically possible!

6. X-Wing Pilot Luke/R5-D4/Greedo/Walrus Man/Jawa

"I'm Jawa, wanna buy a droid?" If that kid wants to be a used-car salesman when he grows up, he's already got all the talent he'll ever need.

5. Yoda/R2-D2

I have to give it to this ad, it's pretty damn good! The kids are playing out the Dagobah scene in and around some fairly accurate flora, the boy operating Yoda has his ass-backward speech impediment down, and neither of the boys appears to be mentally retarded. Nice job!

4. The Darth Vader Collector's Case

Before I rant I had to wipe up a combination of drool and tears from seeing a close-up of all those figures I used to own. Fuck. Anyway, the witty conversation between these two kids is stunning. I love how the boy at the end gawks, "And you can take it with you!" Nope. Leave it alone, ass clown.

3. Death Star Play Set

I totally remember that scene in the movie when Darth Vader fired the laser cannon! It was so cool! Oh, wait... no I don't. Shit.

2. Rebel Transport

I actually never owned this toy. However, I will say that, had I possessed it, I would have acted out a scene far more accurate and not something like this one perhaps out of a different movie entirely. I really can't see the director saying, "Just play naturally." No, I REALLY can't see that.

1. Slave One

I am stunned. Not only did I distinctly hear, "Prepare to receive cargo", but I also caught, "Comes with rear-loading ramp." Now I have to honestly wonder if the script for this advert was originally written for, um, a movie. So sadly disturbing, yet so outrageously funny at the same time.

***MISTAKE ALERT**MISTAKE ALERT***

I just realized that I don't have the correct video up for the Snow Speeder... sorry, it was late. Here it is: