STEW MILLER'S MUSINGS AND RANTS: THE TOP TEN CLOWNS OF ALL TIME

Let's cut to the chase straight away: Clowns scare the SHIT out of me; always have, always will. Even when I was a small tot, I was always afraid that any one of them -or God forbid, a car-full, as it were- would just fling themselves at me and kiss me to death. Yeah, that's right, I was afraid of being smothered in smooches by these demon spawn and I've never really got over it. Go ahead, laugh all you want. I'll wait. Are you done? Good, let's move on. At one point, I lived with my friends and a guy named Dylan who just so happened to be a Parapsychologist. Well, as it happened, I went with him to a 'haunted house' here in the area (Kalamazoo, Michigan -represent!- and actually saw, hand to God, a possessed clown doll spinning on its head. Seriously. So, over the years, I've kind of just avoided them until I met my wife nearly twelve years ago and guess what? She's a clown lover. After we got married we had them all over the damn bedroom. Lovely. Yeah, now you understand my deep seeded loathing toward the clown. And now, for the first time ever in these pages, I present to you: The Top Ten Clowns Of All Time. Yikes!

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10) CLARABELL

For an entire generation, Kids and adults alike enjoyed the slapstick exploits of Howdy Doody, Buffalo Bob, and Clarabell the Clown. Originally performed, silently, of course, by the soon-too-be Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan, the clown nary said a word only communicating in horn blats. Until, on the final episode of the show, the camera panned in with a slowly fading drum roll when, in a moment of pure TV sadness, he whispered, "Goodbye, kids," And that, was history.

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9) THE KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

An army of sadistic alien life forms, who look remarkably like our concept of a clown, land their circus tent ship in the sleepy American town of Crescent Cove. Some local teens, out for a romantic evening, spot the newcomers and decide to investigate. They soon encounter the Klowns and barely escape capture, having been shot at by a "popcorn gun." At first, it seems the popcorn functions simply to track the fleeing teens, but another purpose is revealed later in the movie. And it just gets weirder from there. Funny movie.

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8) SHAKES THE CLOWN

The movie is a dark comedy about a birthday-party clown (Bobcat Goldthwait) in the grip of depression and alcoholism. Different communities of clowns, mimes and other performers are depicted as clannish, rivaling subcultures obsessed with precedence and status. This was Goldthwait’s bitter satire of the dysfunctional stand-up comedy circuit he knew as a performer. Actually defended by Martin Scorsese, this film is generally derided by critics. Fuck 'em, I laughed my ass off!

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7) KRUSTY THE CLOWN (AND SIDESHOW'S BOB AND MEL)

Here we see: Bob, Mel, Corporal Punishment, Bart, Krusty, and the ever embarrassed, Mr. Teeny.

Krusty the Clown. Always the consummate performer, though frequently loathing its ins, outs, hours, and work-a-day nonsense, Krusty has always managed to keep the kids laughing... more or less. His original sidekick was Sideshow Bob, who, as we all know, went on to target Bart in one close misadventure after another; always trying in vain to off the boy for spoiling his scheme to kill Krusty. Later, Sideshow Mel and his slide whistle took over and, though not as funny as Bob, became more of a target of Krusty's misdirected anger and props. Such a convoluted time line, but always funny as hell.

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6) EMMETT KELLY

From everyone's favorite online source of wit and wisdom, Wikipedia: Emmett Leo Kelly (12-1898- 3-'79), a native of Sedan, Kansas, was an American circus performer, who created the memorable clown figure "Weary Willie," based on the hobos of the Depression era. Kelly began his career as a trapeze artist. By 1923, Emmett Kelly was working his trapeze act with John Robinson's circus when he met and married Eva Moore, another circus trapeze artist. They later performed together as the "Aerial Kellys" with Emmett still performing occasionally as a white face clown.

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5) THE JOKER

The Joker is a master criminal with a clown-like appearance, including bleached white skin, red lips, and green hair. Initially portrayed as a violent sociopath who murders people and commits crimes for his own amusement, the Joker (later in the 1940s) began to be written as a goofy trickster-thief. That characterization continued through the late 1950s and 1960s before the character became again depicted as a vicious killer. He has been responsible for numerous tragedies in Batman's life. Portrayed by many actors throughout, including Caesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, and Mark Hamill (voice), it remains to be seen how the late Heath Ledger will do in the upcoming Dark Knight feature this summer. In my humble opinion, he looks to be the most faithful yet.

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4) HOMEY THE CLOWN

Played to hilarious and almost poetic perfection by Damon Wayans, Homey the Clown was a bitter, snarky birthday clown who always had a lesson-filled song to sing for the children, who were nearly scared to death of him. Homey, with weapon-of-choice bludgeoning sock in hand, would give as good as he got from the kids who would otherwise ridicule and harass, no matter how innocently, the angry clown. Quickly becoming one of In Living Color's most desired sketches, Homey was always there to offer up these words of threatening wisdom, "Homey don't play that."

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3) RONALD MCDONALD

Ronald McDonald is a clown who is the primary mascot of the McDonald's fast-food restaurant chain. According to the book Fast Food Nation (2001), 96% of school children in the United States can identify Ronald McDonald, making him the United States' most recognized fast-food advertising icon. Only Santa Claus was more commonly recognized. In TV commercials, the clown inhabits a fantasy world called McDonaldland, and has adventures with his friends Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar, Grimace, Birdie the Early Bird, and The Fry Kids. And, as we all know, the original man behind the clown (with the box-shaped hat) was none other than Today Show staple, Willard Scott.

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2) BOZO THE CLOWN

Bozo the Clown (also known as Bozo) is the name of a clown whose widespread franchising in early TV made him the best-known clown character in the US. Bob Bell and WGN-TV produced Chicago's more elaborate Bozo's Circus which ultimately went national via cable and satellite in 1978. Bell retired in 1984 and was replaced by Joey D'Auria. The series successfully survived competition from syndicated and network children's programs for many years until 1994 when WGN management decided to get out of the weekday children's television business and buried The Bozo Show in an early Sunday timeslot as The Bozo Super Sunday Show. Oh, and remember Bozo's sidekick, Cookie? I always thought he looked an awful lot like Hulk Hogan...

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1) PENNYWISE

And here, friends, is the culmination of everything about clowns that I hate so very, very much. Yeah, I love Tim Curry (could there ever be a better Dr. Frank N Furter? No damn way) and he was so good and so twisted in this, the IT film by Stephen King. Sure, the end was a damn letdown and the book was so much better, it's just so hard now not to picture this Pennywise any time I re-read that novel. There's a testament to his acting chops, for sure. Anyway, it seems that this little list was a exercise in healing and I do feel a little bit better about clowns now...