10 Hysterically Creepy Old Ads

Ah, old ads! What better way to sell the world potentially damaging products that with these amazing ads! Cigarettes! Tapeworms! It's all here! Enjoy 10 of the best, worst ads from yesteryear...

10. Cola and the Baby

"How soon is too soon?" Well, from what I understand, right about FUCKING THEN!

9. Prophylaxis

Apparently whores were running rampant back then.

8. Tipalet Cigarettes

Huh, I heard that they'd pretty much knock you out for doing that. Oh well, what do I know.

7. Fat You and the Tapeworms

Well thank GOD that they're sanitized AND Jar-Packed or else I'd really question their ethics. And yes, Fat You and the Tapeworms is a great name for a band.

6. Santa's Cigarettes

"Damn, ma! You fuckin' shouldn't have! Merry fuckin' Christmas!"

5. Lysol

It's always a good idea to keep a bottle of Lysol handy because, and this is the important part, your husband will love you more. Damn straight.

4. Eating Lard

Happy but dying slowly... slowly.

3. Have a Fag

Brought to you by the Quentin Tarantino/Perry Como Man-On-Man-On-Cigarette Love Society. I think I'd rather get hit by a bus.

2. Camels and the Doctors Who Smoke Them

"Clean bill of healthy honey: fit as a goddamn fiddle! Oh, and he recommends I switch from Marlboro to Camels... so, that's good."

1. Schlitz

Some day you can get your Schlitz shits just that much faster! It's a MIRACLE!

The 15 Best Star Wars Toy Commercials From the 70's and 80's

Just in case it ever comes up in conversation, I am a MASSIVE Star Wars freak. I grew up owning as many of the Kenner Action Figures as I could legally get my grubby little paws on. Fortunately, having parents who spent more time harping on each other and less constructive time raising me and my siblings, gifts were often ways of secretly purchasing affection, hence, I always had whichever Star Wars toy I desired. Yay for me! Anyway, growing up during the heyday of the Trilogy's original and classic line-up was perfect and, had my parents not been so eager to sell off pieces of prized possessions in lame-ass garage sales, I might still have the entire collection. But I digress. Here are fifteen of the greatest television ads for Kenner's most amazing line of toys ever.

15. The Break-Apart C-3P0

So much to love and laugh at hysterically about this ad! Hearing that kid in the first few seconds imitate Chewbacca is comedy gold! Oh, and the boy acting out 3P0's English accent as he demands to be taken to Princess Leia and Han Solo is far too funny not to make you pee a little.

14. The Imperial Scout Walker

So what is this guy trying to so vaguely convey? I swear, the writing for this commercial must have been done over six or seven shots of Jagermeister late one Saturday. He says 'Attack' THREE fucking times! Oh, and 'War' and 'Battle', too! I kind of got the impression that Star Wars was about puppets. What do I know?

13. The Millennium Falcon

"Nice landing, Han Solo!" Just in case you forgot, after being bludgeoned in the skull by a tire iron, that Han's last name is SOLO, the kids remind you in the most ridiculous and pointless of ways. Next time you congratulate someone, make sure you use the COMPLETE name.

12. Empire Strikes Back Action Figure Collection

The Rebel High Command? The Hell? Is that like an all-overseeing group of people that control all of the underlings with strict rules and regulations. You know, sort of like THE GALACTIC EMPIRE! No, couldn't be...

11. Twin-Pod Cloud Car

Where to even begin. It's almost like they marketed these toys to complete idiots who had never, EVER seen the film. Leia arrives, since she's being followed... OK, and then, just after Lando asks who she is, she responds with a request and, since she presumably knows, HIS NAME! This is such a convoluted mess that I nearly tipped over in my chair with fits of laughter.

10. Rebel Snow Speeder

Well at the very least they didn't bother to ask the kid to weakly imitate a Brit, so it's got that going for it. Could you tell that the ship featured lighted and sounded 'laser' guns? Yeah, well it did.

9. Patrol Dewback

Brought to you once again by the fine folks at the Department Of Redundancy Department. Do you honestly think that any of the Stormtroopers, had they been actual people, would have called the creature they were riding on by its title? It's like naming your pack mule Pack Mule.

8. Tauntaun and Wampa

How fucking funny would it be if all that kid could say was 'WAMPA!' Oh, mercy! This is just so funny!

7. Hoth Play Set

Wait, you can make the elevator go up or DOWN? That's not physically possible!

6. X-Wing Pilot Luke/R5-D4/Greedo/Walrus Man/Jawa

"I'm Jawa, wanna buy a droid?" If that kid wants to be a used-car salesman when he grows up, he's already got all the talent he'll ever need.

5. Yoda/R2-D2

I have to give it to this ad, it's pretty damn good! The kids are playing out the Dagobah scene in and around some fairly accurate flora, the boy operating Yoda has his ass-backward speech impediment down, and neither of the boys appears to be mentally retarded. Nice job!

4. The Darth Vader Collector's Case

Before I rant I had to wipe up a combination of drool and tears from seeing a close-up of all those figures I used to own. Fuck. Anyway, the witty conversation between these two kids is stunning. I love how the boy at the end gawks, "And you can take it with you!" Nope. Leave it alone, ass clown.

3. Death Star Play Set

I totally remember that scene in the movie when Darth Vader fired the laser cannon! It was so cool! Oh, wait... no I don't. Shit.

2. Rebel Transport

I actually never owned this toy. However, I will say that, had I possessed it, I would have acted out a scene far more accurate and not something like this one perhaps out of a different movie entirely. I really can't see the director saying, "Just play naturally." No, I REALLY can't see that.

1. Slave One

I am stunned. Not only did I distinctly hear, "Prepare to receive cargo", but I also caught, "Comes with rear-loading ramp." Now I have to honestly wonder if the script for this advert was originally written for, um, a movie. So sadly disturbing, yet so outrageously funny at the same time.

***MISTAKE ALERT**MISTAKE ALERT***

I just realized that I don't have the correct video up for the Snow Speeder... sorry, it was late. Here it is:

The Top Twenty Dogs In Cartoon History

Dogs. Perhaps one of the most popular stand-by animals of all time, which could account for the fact that it was relatively easy to find twenty of them! They've been around for a long time, in one incarnation or another, with one personality or another. So, enjoy a list for the whole family! 20 wonderful cartoon dogs!

20. Poochie

When Homer gets a job voicing the newest, and consequently most ridiculous, cartoon dog, Poochie, it turns out that no one wants a 'street-wise' pup hip to today's kid's lingo. Itchy and Scratchy eventually put him out of his misery.

19. Ren Hoek

Part of the duo with his idiot friend Stimpson J. Cat, Ren Hoek is an Asthma-Hound Chihuahua with, 'Nice hocks, Man!' However, had most people not been made aware that he was, indeed, a dog, you'd be hard pressed to assume.

18. Huckleberry Hound

A down-home pup with a Southern drawl, Huckleberry was often seen defending his farm or homestead from any number of mischievous miscreants. Oh, and he had a stylish straw hat to boot. Remember his tenure on the Laff Olympics? Good stuff.

17. Marmaduke

A comic staple for something like a hundred years, Marmaduke is a gigantic Great Dane with real personality issues. And by that I mean, much like his more advanced canine cartoon brethren, he wishes he was human while still maintaining his dog sensibilities. Or something.

16. Hong Kong Phooey

Number 1 super-guy, indeed! Penrod Pooch hides his secret identity in a file drawer pretty much where everyone can see it. Fortunately, his disguise as a janitor has them all fooled. Wow, those two dogs look NOTHING alike!

15. Courage

Living, as abnormally as possible, with 'Dad', Eustace, and 'Mom', Muriel, Courage is constantly under fire from some of the most outlandish, surreal situations imaginable each designed to do harm either to him or his doting, Muriel. But, time and again, Courage is able to find ways in their house in the absolute middle of nowhere to save the day. He also has a hole in his tooth.

14. Augie Doggy and Doggy Daddy

"Coming, dear old dad!" Yes, Augie and Daddy, despite the standard growing pains, are inseparable. Classic Hanna Barberra toons in their finest pedigree. And Daddy sounds suspiciously like Jimmy Durante.

13. Santa's Little Helper

Bart's dog is about as useless as they come, but that means nothing to a boy who loves his pet. He's destroyed Christmas, chewed up Malibu Stacy dolls, and was virtually un-trainable, but the Simpsons without their faithful Greyhound is almost unimaginable.

12. Pluto

More often than not doing battle with the chipmunks, Chip and Dale, Pluto is the lapdog companion of Mickey Mouse. More so than his cartoon appearances, Pluto is also a costumed favorite at Disney World.

11. Muttley

The sinisterly chortling mutt that hangs out with his 'master', Dick Dastardly, absolutely looses his composure whenever given a bone as a reward of some kind. More helpful than Dick would care to admit, and more over the one who generally accomplishes the goal, Muttley serves the bad side proudly.

10. Goofy

Though still a heated debate whether or not Goofy is actually a dog since his friend, the aforementioned Pluto expresses far more common canine behavior, the Goof's original moniker was Dippy Dawg. I'd still call it a toss up, regardless.

9. Odie

The Yin to Garfield's Yang, Odie is a drooling idiot. Only on the rare occasion does Odie actually do anything particularly useful, more often than not he gets shoved off a table or somehow tangled up in something incredibly simple, like taping a Christmas gift, for instance.

8. Dynomutt

Oh who could possibly forget the all-mechanical sidekick of the amazing Blue Falcon? Extendable limbs, wheels when he needed them, and all kinds of on-board computer gee gaws... yes sir, for my money, I'd take a Dynomutt anytime!

7. Droopy

"I'm happy." The deadpan Droopy was as nonchalant as they come. Quick witted and even quicker paced, Droopy seemed to be able to duplicate himself whenever the situation called for it. Created by the master, Tex Avery, Droopy was always doted on by the ladies. Lucky dog.

6. Astro

Or, more affectionately, 'Rastro', as he's wont to call himself, for he is the Jetson's dog with the classic speech impediment. 'Ruh Roh!'

5. Clifford

The biggest, reddest dog on God's green Earth, Clifford is Emily Elizabeth's pet and was, apparently, a normal puppy just like any other. Now, however, he bathes in pools, puts out fires with his breath, and doubles as a jungle gym. That, sir, is a big dog.

4. Scooby-Doo

"If we can count on you, Scooby-Doo, I know we'll catch that villain..." It's a darn good thing Scoob and Shag are just about the most incompetent duo around, or else they'd never solve crimes! What? You know it's true! Fred, Daphne, Velma... worthless! Call on Scooby-Doo for all your mystery-solving needs!

3. Underdog

I love Underdog. And no, I don't mean that insipid movie that just came out featuring a real dog voiced by Mr. Sellout, Jason Lee. I refer, of course, to the classic cartoon where Shoeshine Boy popped a pill from its little tin and became a purveyor of justice!

2. Snoopy

One of the most classic canines of all time is, of course, Schulz's Snoopy. The loving pet of loser everyman Charlie Brown, Snoopy enjoys snoozing on his dog house when he's not using it as a fighter plane, and hanging out with dizzy best pal, Woodstock.

1. Brian

Sometime best friend of Stewie -at least when it's necessary- and full-time live-in buddy of Peter Griffin, Brian is the true meaning of the term 'family dog'. He talks, and everyone understands him, he as issues with alcohol and women, and is not-so-secretly madly in love with Lois. But, above all else, he is, in my opinion, the best dog around.

**NOTABLE OMISSIONS**

Spike and his son (Tom and Jerry) - The Dog (Foghorn Leghorn) - The Pound Puppies

The Top Twelve Fake Beverages

Why drink something real and tasteless when you can imagine drinking something delicious, or, at the very least, funny! That's right, imaginary beverages are all over the place: in movies, on TV... and you, too, can partake in their appeal! So sit back and crack open a cool can of Duff and enjoy a dozen fake drinks to wet your whistle!

12. Vitameatavegamin ( I Love Lucy)

Oh, Lucy! Little did you know that the peppy happy beverage in a bottle would, ultimately, taste pretty much the way it sounds. As you can see by the face she's straining not to make above, it took far too many takes to even get the tasting right. Hilarious scene from a classic comedy. Nasty, nasty beverage.

11. Brawndo (Idiocracy)

Army Librarian, Joe Bauer's future looks quite bleak after a 500-year hibernation experiment. Joe learns that water has been replaced by Brawndo, "The thirst mutilator!" (a reference to Rondo, which had the slogan, "The Thirst Crusher!"), a sports drink advertised as rich in electrolytes, even useful for crop irrigation, eventually causing a major food shortage (the salty electrolytes in the Brawndo have accumulated in the soil killing the crops). And a big PS and thanks from alert reader orehitna (see comments), you are now able to actually purchase this product from RIGHT HERE! Kinda scary!

10. Skittlebrau (The Simpsons)

Big Ups To These Guys For The Sweet Pic!

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

9. Schmitt's Gay (SNL)

I think we'll just let this video from Saturday Night Live featuring Adam Sandler and Chris Farley speak for itself.

8. Butterbeer (Harry Potter)

This appears to be the beverage of choice in the Harry Potter novels. It's served everywhere from the Weasley's house (all the time) to Hogwarts (also all the time) and there is a slew of recipes all over the net on exactly how to concoct it since Rowling never really spills the plans. I had it once, at Barne's and Noble Bookstore while waiting for a copy of one of the books. The used Rootbeer with Butterscotch syrup. I almost threw up.

7. Duff Beer (The Simpsons)

There is so little reason to explain what Duff is that, if I actually had to, I would feel sorry... well, sorrier, for society as a whole.

6. Cold Cock (SNL)

"It's the one you never see comin'!" The commercial on SNL features Tim Meadows as Billy D. Williams (or at least someone similar) speaking in a pub about Cold Cock Mal Liquor. The best part, of course, is when the giant animated fist pops off the can and decks a few folks in the chops. Good stuff.

5. Uncle Jemima's Mash Liquor (SNL)

Uncle Jemima Hockin' the Hooch

Take Tracy Morgan, twice, and deck him (and her) out in Jemima duds, toss in a few animated fauna much akin to Song of The South's Uncle Remus, and add a healthy dash of boozin' and you have yourself a fine ad indeed.

4. Slusho! (J.J. Abrams)

Slusho! is a fictional drink featured in the projects of producer J.J. Abrams, including his television shows, Alias and Lost and his film, Cloverfield, originally temporarily titled Slusho! It still remains to be seen whether or not it will make a cameo in his new Star Trek feature.

3. Flaming Moe (The Simpsons)

After Homer creates an alcohol recipe featuring a dash of his kid's cough syrup and sets it aflame, Moe decides he'd like a piece of the genius and steals the formula and markets it under the name, 'Flaming Moe'. It becomes a huge, albeit temporary, success at Moe's, even bringing in such acts as Aerosmith. The fad fades, though, once the whole of Springfield copies it for themselves.

2. Pawtucket Patriot (Family Guy)

Peter Griffin's favorite brew and, most likely, a play on Samuel Adams made at the Boston Brewing Company. Peter and Brian (sans Joe once he's removed after noticing the lack of a wheelchair ramp) take a wondrous tour of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

1. Slurm (Futurama)

"It's Highly Addictive!" Not to mention the fact that Slurm is excreted from the ass-end of a giant slug called the Slurm Queen. Regardless of that horrid discovery, Fry is as hooked as ever. The gang take a tour of the plant much akin to Willy Wonka's factory (and, similarly, Pawtucket Brewery) and must battle their way free while saving, inadvertently, spokes-slug, Slurms MacKenzie. Good stuff... looks like Mountain Dew, no?

**NOTABLE OMISSION**

Thanks to another alert reader, sysop:vanblah (see comments) I failed to mention the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the wonderful tome: A Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams! I am naughty! Well, here's a piece of concept art I found for the thing. Enjoy!

More Of The Top Ten Discontinued Sodas

Wow, I had never imagined a list about soft drinks would garner such attention and rancor in the same instance! Well, it did, and so, based on the literally HUNDREDS of comments from all over the place, I bring you, my faithful readers, THE SEQUEL! That's right, I took many of your suggestions to heart and constructed an equally as amazing list A SECOND TIME! I hope you all enjoy it as much as the original and hey, who knows, perhaps a third is waiting in the wings... Enjoy!

10. Citra

Man That Looks Delicio... Oh, wait...

Though perhaps not completely dead and gone (apparently traces of this have made rare appearances outside of my 5-state knowledge) Citra was a favorite of mine for sure. Not so long ago, around '02 or '03, Citra was inundating the stores around here, but then slowly faded into what is now Fanta Citra. Still ultimately a Coke product, just blended into the background. It more or less tasted like if Squirt had given up a little.

9. Veep

Hey did you guys know that Veep is also the nationally recognized abbreviated term for a Vice President? Yeah, nothing funny I just thought I'd share how much more difficult that made my search for this long-gone soda. Growing up, our corner store/soda shop had a Veep dispenser much akin to the picture. It was pretty good and not at all dissimilar to 7-Up, as it was marketed against. Still, a clear frozen beverage is like a glass of water... kinda unappealing. I guess that's why that picture has red in it. I get it.

8. 7*Up Gold

My God this picture was tough to wrangle! I think it's the only one on the damn net! Anyway, I actually did down a few of these during my early years of high school, and, since I enjoy ginger ale and Vernor's quite a bit, this spicy, caffeinated 7*up was pretty tasty. Gone too soon I understand. and much to the chagrin of quite a few of you.

7. Teem

This one has a special place in my heart since it's made, much like Faygo, right here in the unemployment capital of the US of A: Michigan! WooHoo! Anyway, this is yet another of the 'clear' beverages that was around during the younger years of 7*up, but has faded at the feet of its superior much like many of these long forgotten warriors. I believe I may have had one or two since my grandparents were notorious for hording like pack rats. Glass bottles, no less.

6. Apple Slice

Boy oh boy did I get requests (and verbal lashings) for this amazing drink. If I recall correctly, and I most certainly have, this was really quite crisp. It was not wholly dissimilar to a non-alcoholic sparkling apple juice that can be found right here in MICHIGAN! PLUG! By the fine wine makers at St.Julian! Also, much like its far inferior cousin 'Mandarin Orange Slice', Apple Slice was actually GOOD! What a concept!

5. Sundrop

So, before any of you get up in arms here, I found a website that still offers Sundrop at some wonderful prices! And by wonderful I mean completely insane! $7.50 a SIX PACK! I like it, but come on! When I first encountered Sundrop I was attending college in the great-white-north of Marquette, Michigan and my room mate was from Wisconsin. Every time he went home for a weekend I'd send with him a few bucks and he'd return with, perhaps, one of the best citrus sodas in existence. I fell in love with Sundrop and ended up murdering my room mate when he stopped delivering. Yeah, that's right. Well, regardless, if it is around, it's nowhere here in Michigan and I haven't had one since 1993. Anyone?

4. Pepsi Blue

As much as I love pop, and I do LOVE pop, Pepsi Blue was even a bit too sweet for me. If you ever had the desire to drink liquid cotton candy, this was your huckleberry. The carnival richness was followed closely by a fruity after-flavor that really did nothing more than make it taste like more berry-themed cotton candy. It was quite syrupy as was it's fiercest promoter at the time: Britney 'Trainwreck' Spears. That makes sense.

3. Afri-Cola

First of all, Check This Out. I had no earthly idea! And, unfortunately, I have never had this soft drink, either. Understandably so, since it's relatively impossible to locate in the US. But, since it's a rarity and I received numerous requests to have it on a list... here it is. I wish I could describe the flavor to you all, but, from what I understand, it's pretty similar to Jolt in terms of caffeine and cola flavored.

2. Nehi

I was never able to enjoy a Nehi in its original incarnation, but since it eventually became Royal Crown Cola, I have, indeed, enjoyed that. In fact, I'd go so far as to say RC is my favorite of the 'cola'-type sodas. Nehi was quite the popular brand so named because one of the original designs featured a model of a woman showing stockings 'knee-high'. Really... would I make that up? And yes, I am well aware that this is not the original packaging, and it's grape. What're ya gonna do.

1. OK Cola

Ah Generation X, the laziest, most morose and sullen generation of all time! And look, you even got a taste of a soft drink marketed by the rascals over at Coca Cola around about 1994 that went over so successfully it dropped off the face of the earth in 1995! Wow, it looks as though it tried as hard to fit in as the X Gen itself. ZING! Oh, and I never had one, either... sorry.

**HONORABLE MENTION - BIG RED**

Oh, woops... almost forgot one. I actually did have one of these sodas a LONG time ago down south when I was on a business trip. I'm sorry, but I wasn't especially fond. Some of you are, though, judging by your affection. Yummy.